The Play's the Thing
by EsmeAmelia
Summary: Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, the droids, and Lando go to see a stupid play about themselves. Inspired by the Avatar: The Last Airbender episode, "The Ember Island Players."
1. Chapter 1

AN: You all know I don't own Star Wars. This is my Camp NaNoWriMo project and it's heavily inspired by the hilarious Avatar: The Last Airbender episode "The Ember Island Players." In that episode, the characters go to see a stupid play about themselves and I thought it would be funny to put the Star Wars characters in a similar situation (and it felt like it would be a nice break from my usual angst). A few of the jokes in this fic, such as Luke being played by a woman, are borrowed from the episode, but the large majority of them are my own. Oh, and I will be making fun of the fandom some too, so here's hoping you can take a joke.

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 1

"There's a play about us!" Han exclaimed, waving a flyer in front of his wife's face.

"What?" Leia exclaimed back, having suddenly been interrupted from studying political files by a picture of herself, Luke, and Han pressed into her face (and it looked like the artist had made her nose too big).

"There's a play about us," Han repeated. "C'mon, take a look!"

Leia took the rather-wrinkled flyer from her husband and smoothed it out on her desk, covering the datapad she had just been studying. Underneath the rather crude drawing was the title "The Fall of the Empire" and at the top of the flyer was a drawing of Vader menacingly looking down at the others. She didn't recognize any of the names in the cast list, but then again she didn't follow theater much.

"I think we should all go," said Han. "We could probably get tickets tonight."

"Tonight?" Leia shot her head up at her grinning husband. "Don't you think it might be difficult to get tickets so quickly?"

"Hey, we're famous and the play's about us," said Han. "You really think they won't let us in? C'mon, I'll call the guys and we can have a night out – we deserve it."

Leia sighed. "Fine, but I have a bad feeling about this."

. . .

Just as Han predicted, the theater happily gave the Rebellion heroes their own box for the play, so Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie, 3PO, R2, and Lando all settled themselves into the box, the organic beings all with laps full of snacks and drinks.

"This is gonna be _amazing,_ " said Lando, leaning back in his seat and slurping his soda. "It's about _time_ my style and good looks got immortalized at the theater."

"I didn't take you for a theater person," said Luke.

Lando snickered. "Hey, Cloud City used to have the _best_ shows."

"I bet they ain't as good as this one," said Han. "This one's got _us_ in it."

"I still don't see why you guys are so excited about this," said Leia, yanking open a stubborn bag of chips. "Why do you want to watch everything we've been through being reenacted by other people?"

"C'mon Leia," said Han, ripping open a candy bar, "have a bit of an open mind, will ya? It ain't like the play's gonna suck or anything."

"You don't know that."

"Pardon me," interrupted 3PO, "but I do believe the play is about to begin, so I would suggest that you stop your talking if you do not wish to be asked to leave. It would certainly be most embarrassing after they were so gracious to give us these seats."

"Great," Han muttered, " _3PO'_ s tellin' me to be quiet." Nonetheless, he didn't say anything more as the theater darkened.

"A LONG TIME AGO," a loud male voice suddenly boomed from the speakers surrounding the room.

"What?" Han whispered. "What do they mean a long time ago? It just happened recently!"

"IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!" the voice continued.

"Again, _what?"_ Han exclaimed.

"I don't know," said Luke, "maybe they just think it's a catchy tagline."

"Well it's ridiculous," Han muttered, folding his arms.

"I dunno, it _is_ pretty catchy," Lando said as the curtain opened, revealing a human man completely covered in gold paint and another human man wearing an R2-esque dome on his head along with a cylindrical R2-esque costume around his body.

"Oh _dear!"_ exclaimed the gold-painted actor in an exaggerated voice. "We're under attack, whatever shall we _do?_ "

"BEEEEEP!" the R2 actor shouted. "BEEEEEP!"

In the audience, the real R2 gave an angry beep.

"Oh dear," said 3PO.

"What?" asked Luke.

"The actor portraying R2 just said he wishes to do something rather intimate with a bantha."

Han and Lando burst out laughing and kept laughing as actors dressed as stormtroopers and Rebels rushed onstage and started shooting each other in a fake battle where they were obviously pretending to die. Leia was starting to wonder if soda would stop coming out of Han's nose when he finally calmed down, just in time to see the Leia actress cautiously step onstage and approach the R2 actor.

"Whatever am I gonna _do?"_ the actress wailed, her ridiculously large buns almost squishing her face between them. "This is so _awful_ – any moment now Vader's gonna capture me!"

"What?" the real Leia exclaimed. "I don't talk like that!"

"Vader's gonna get the Death Star plans and everything will be for nothing!" the actress continued. "All hope will be LOST!" She gave a loud, dramatic sob. "I'm SOOOOO scared!"

"Who the hell _is_ this person?" the real Leia grumbled. "She's sure not _me!"_

"Beep!" said the R2 actor in a deep voice.

"Of COURSE!" shouted the Leia actress. "I can send the plans off with R2 and that way Vader can't get them! R2, you're a GENIUS!"

The real R2 gave a haughty beep.

"Really, R2," said 3PO, "I would say that this actress greatly overestimates your intelligence."

R2 angrily beeped back.

"Go R2, go!" the Leia actress was saying. "Find Obi-Wan Kenobi so he can rescue me! Oh WOE IS ME, doomed to be captured!"

The R2 actor rushed offstage just as several stormtrooper actors ran onstage and grabbed the Leia actress by the arms, followed by a tall actor dressed in a Vader suit that looked like it came from a costume shop and seemed to be reflecting the stage lights.

"So THERE you are, princess!" the Vader actor boomed, his breathing noises being projected through the speakers at a rather loud volume. "Now tell me what you did with the Death Star plans!'

"Never!" shouted the Leia actress. "You're evil!"

"Well from my point of view YOU'RE evil!" retorted the Vader actor. "Now take her away before I choke all of you!"

The stormtrooper actors dragged the Leia actress off while she wailed about how horrible her situation was yet again as the lights darkened and the audience applauded, though the real Leia wasn't among those clapping.

"Well that was just _ridiculous!_ " she muttered. "What got them thinking I act like that?"

"Well, you know," said Lando. "Some people like a damsel in distress story."

"Even now?" Leia exclaimed. "Aren't we supposed to be past that kind of sexism?"

"Shh!" Luke hissed as the stage lit up again. "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll get better."


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 2

The stage lights relit to show the 3PO and R2 actors wandering around the stage as if looking for something. "Well THIS is another fine mess you've gotten into, R2!" shouted the 3PO actor. "Hmm, into, R2, that is rather interesting to say . . . oh but never mind! Why did I let you talk me into this? Oh, if I get sand in my circuits it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"I say," said the real 3PO as the actors exited the stage, "that actor complains far too much."

The real R2 beeped.

"What do you mean, spot on?" 3PO exclaimed. "R2, you would not know a good performance if it chopped off your leg!"

Meanwhile, a young actress with silky blonde hair and large eyes had sauntered onto the stage, wearing a white tunic that resembled the outfit Luke wore when he first left Tatooine.

"I am Luke Skywalker," the woman announced in a high, chipper voice, "and I LONG for adventure, but I'm stuck here on Tatooine."

The real Luke's eyes bulged. "Wait . . . a _woman's_ playing me?"

"Wow," said Han, "that's something. I ain't sure what exactly, but it's something."

"Well, Luke _is_ in touch with his feminine side," said Lando. "Not that that's a bad thing."

"Why, oh WHY can't I go on an adventure?" the Luke actress shouted. "My aunt and uncle are so MEAN and they'll probably keep me on this sandball until I'm old and gray! Why can't I go to the Academy? WHHYYYYYYY?"

"I don't whine like this!" the real Luke muttered.

"Uh . . . you kinda do . . . sometimes," said Han.

"What?" shouted Luke. "No I don't! I don't whine! I'm also NOT A WOMAN!"

"But wait!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "What is that?"

With that a gruff, middle-aged actor came onstage with the 3PO and R2 actors following. "Luke," he said in a voice so rough it was hard to make out what he was saying, "I just bought these two droids to help us out on the farm and you're gonna clean them up right now!"

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the real Luke. "I was THERE when Owen bought the droids!"

Han shrugged. "Well, you can't expect 'em to get _everything_ right."

"They got my _gender_ wrong!" retorted Luke. "Is it too much to ask that they be right about whether or not I was there to buy the droids?"

"Shh!" hissed Leia. "Do you want to get kicked out?"

"Hmph," grumbled Luke, folding his arms.

Meanwhile, the Luke actress screamed, "Whaaaaaattt? I was gonna go to Toche Station to pick up power converters!"

"I don't see you doing that," said the Owen actor. "I just see you standing around and goofing off while whining about how you can't go on an adventure. Now get your lazy ass inside and clean up the droids!"

"Hmph!" The Luke actress folded her arms much like the real Luke had a few moments ago and stuck her nose in the air. "When will you stop treating me like a child?"

"When you stop ACTING like one!" the Owen actor snarled as he stormed offstage.

The Luke actress gave a sigh so loud that whooshing spit noises came through the speakers. "All right, droids, let's get you cleaned up." She pulled a rag out of her pocket, spat on it, and started rubbing it over the R2 actor's costume dome.

"Eww," said Leia. "I hope they wash that guy's dome between performances.

"So, where exactly are we?" asked the 3PO actor. "I'm certain I have never seen this planet before – unless of course I had a memory wipe sometime in the past and it turns out I was actually created on this planet, but the odds of that are approximately . . ."

"You're on Planet Lame," interrupted the Luke actress.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Planet Lame," the actress repeated. "The _lamest_ planet in the galaxy and I have the misfortune to live here."

The real Luke's eye twitched. "This actress is making me seem completely childish and unlikable!"

"Well . . . maybe it's to demonstrate how you mature later on?" Leia offered.

Suddenly the Luke actress jumped back. "Wait!" she exclaimed. "What could this be?"

A hologram of the Leia actress was projected next to the R2 actor. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!" she screamed. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOOPPPPPPEEEE!"

The real Leia felt herself wanting to cover her ears. "Was my message really this _loud?"_

"No," said Luke. "It wasn't this . . . screamy either."

"Oh, WOW!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "Look at her, she's so HOT! She's like the hottest girl I've ever seen and I think I might need to change my underwear and who is she, anyway?"

" _What?"_ the real Luke exclaimed, his face reddening.

"Hmm," said the 3PO actor, "for some reason I have no idea even though I was on the same ship with her and I belong to her father's captain and all."

"BEEP!" said the R2 actor.

"What?" exclaimed the 3PO actor. "What do you mean you belong to this Obi-Wan Kenobi person?"

"Well there's no one named Obi-Wan around here," said the Luke actress. "There's a guy named _Ben_ Kenobi, but he couldn't possibly be Obi-Wan since anyone trying to hide here would be sure to change both their first AND last names."

"HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOOPPPPEEE!" the Leia actress kept wailing.

"I think she's in trouble," said the Luke actress. "Could you play the whole recording so I could masturba-I mean _help_ her?"

"Beep beep beep!" said the R2 actor, to which the real R2 beeped angrily and the real 3PO exclaimed, "Oh my!" The other audience members thought it best not to ask what the R2 actor just said.

"R2 wants you to remove the restraining bolt," said the 3PO actor, "although if you were to do so he could run away, so I wouldn't suggest . . ."

"There!" the Luke actress shouted happily as she pulled off the bolt and it landed on the stage with a _clank_ , making the hologram disappear (much to the real Leia's delight) _._ "Now you can play me the whole message!"

"Beep!" shouted the R2 actor, blowing a raspberry as he rushed offstage.

"Oh my," said the real 3PO as the Luke actress and the 3PO actor went chasing after the R2 actor. "Why ever did the R2 actor say he was going to eat a Wampa's comlink? Wampas have no use for comlinks!"


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 3

"Oh no oh no oh no!" the Luke actress was shouting as she ran back and forth across the stage. "What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do, Owen and Beru are gonna kill me, what am I gonna DO?"

Lando burst out laughing. "Oh Luke, this lady _nails_ you!"

"How do you know?" the real Luke grumbled. "You weren't even THERE – unless the play's gonna change _that_ too."

"Well you've told me quite a bit when we all go out drinking," Lando said in a sly voice.

"What?"

"Before you pass out, of course."

Meanwhile, an actor in a Tusken Raider robe came rushing onto the stage, screaming with his club held over his head, and the Luke actress practically ran straight into the club and collapsed in a dead faint.

"I put up more of a fight than that!" exclaimed the real Luke.

"Are you gonna complain for the whole thing?" asked Lando. "C'mon, it's just a play, lighten up."

"RRRRWWWAAAAAARRRRRGGGH!"

Everyone in the box jumped at the noise projected around the theater (except for the droids, who were of course unable to jump) and the Tusken Raider actor rushed offstage as another hooded figure stormed onstage.

"Who am I?" the figure announced as he took off his hood, revealing his wrinkled face and white beard that looked like it was glued onto his chin. "Well I'm certainly not a Jedi, if that's what you're wondering. No no, I'm DEFINITELY not a Jedi! I'm just a regular old hermit." He looked down at the Luke actress. "Well well, what have we here? It looks like Luke got into trouble with the Sandpeople again."

"BEEP!" shouted the R2 actor from offstage.

"Come on out, R2," called the Obi-Wan actor, after which the R2 actor tiptoed onto the stage, looking like he was about to topple over in his bulky costume. "Yes R2, of course I remember you," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You think I would forget Anakin's astro droid? However, we're not gonna tell Luke that you used to belong to his dad, okay? In fact, I'm gonna act like I don't know you at all – he might start asking some awkward questions otherwise."

With that, the Luke actress opened her eyes and sat up, clutching her head. "Owww, my head . . . oh hey Ben, what are you doing here?"

"Saving your life," said the Obi-Wan actor. "But never mind that, what are _you_ doing here?"

"Being an idiot," the real Luke muttered.

The Luke actress pushed herself to her feet, jumping a bit as she did so. "Well, my uncle's new droid ran away just because I took of his retraining bolt but I only did it because he asked me too so he could show me the whole message!"

The Obi-Wan actor put his hands on the Luke actress's shoulders. "Calm down, young one. I'm old and wise, so you should listen to me. Now what message are you talking about?"

"Beep beep beep!" shouted the R2 actor.

"Oh I see," said the Obi-Wan actor, "it's a message for me."

"What? No way!" shouted the Luke actress. "It's for a guy named _Obi-Wan_ Kenobi!"

"Yeah, and that's ME!" said the Obi-Wan actor.

"What? You're telling me you LIED about your name? Why doesn't anyone trust me?"

"Maybe because you need to grow up . . ."

The Luke actress stomped her feet as if about to throw a tantrum. "WHY does everyone say I need to grow up? I AM grown up and I'll prove it to ALL of you!"

The Obi-Wan actor sighed, digging his fingers into his forehead. "You are clearly immature and irresponsible, but I know the solution to that!" He dug into his pocket and pulled out what was clearly a toy lightsaber. "Giving you a dangerous weapon, of course!"

"Oooooh!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "What is that? Whatever it is, I want it!"

"I'm _really_ losing patience with this actress," the real Luke grumbled.

The Obi-Wan actor dangled the toy lightsaber in front of the Luke actress like a toy in front of a pet. "This is your father's _lightsaber_. He wanted you to have it when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. Oh, by the way, if you hear any stories about me stealing it after cutting off your dad's legs, don't believe them, they're totally not true, I would NEVER do a thing like that!" He giggled nervously as he handed the Luke actress the toy and she immediately activated it, shooting out the bright blue blade.

"Wow, this is so COOL!" the Luke actress screamed. "My lame aunt and uncle never give me presents as cool as this one – I think I already like you much better than them!"

"Oh my goodness," said the real 3PO in the audience, "this actress playing Master Luke is making him look quite heartless."

The real R2 beeped.

"Well yes, R2, I know he didn't discuss his aunt and uncle much, but that does not mean he did not care for them. Honestly R2, why do you assume so much about our dear Master Luke?"

Meanwhile, the Obi-Wan actor had activated the R2 actor's message and the Leia actress's hologram once more appeared, making the real Leia groan.

"Oh General Kenobi," the Leia actress hologram wailed through sniffles, "things are just AWFUL! My ship's been attacked and I'm about to be captured and I'M SO SCARED! I put the Death Star plans in this R2 unit and you've GOT to get them to my father!" She sobbed dramatically. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOPPPPEEEE! WAAAAAHHHH!"

"Does this version of me do ANYTHING besides cry?" the real Leia exclaimed.

"Doesn't look like it," said Han.

Meanwhile the Obi-Wan actor was running his fingers over his fake beard, moving it slightly and making it even more obviously fake than it was before. "Hmm," he said, "it looks like young Luke is attracted to the princess. Any responsible person would probably immediately tell him why it's not a good idea to think romantically about her, but eh, I'm not gonna say anything. This could get _real_ interesting."

"What was that, Ben?" the Luke actress asked, staring at the spot where the hologram had been with a rather creepy grin on her face.

"Oh, nothing," said the Obi-Wan actor. "Now where was I? Oh yes, you should come with me to Alderaan."

"Go with you to Alderaan?" the Luke actress asked in a small voice that sounded like a squeak. "You mean, go on an adventure? Oh Ben, I'd LOVE to . . . but my lame aunt and uncle would never let me . . . speaking of which, I'd better get home to my lame life on Planet Lame."

"Yeeeaaah," said the Obi-Wan actor, "about that . . . I think I just sensed something happening at your farm – you might want to go check it out."

"What?" the Luke actress exclaimed, then smoke suddenly started blowing from just offstage, making a cloud so thick that the audience couldn't see through it.

"Oh NO!" the Luke actress screamed. "Stormtroopers . . . they burned the farm . . . Owen and Beru are dead . . . everything's gone . . . this is horrible . . . wait a minute. They're _gone!_ My lame aunt and uncle are GONE, this means I can FINALLY go on an adventure!" She leapt up into the air. "WOOHOO! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me!"

In the audience, the real Luke's eyes bulged in exasperation.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 4

Han wouldn't admit it, but he was starting to get a little nervous about how this play would portray him. Between Leia being a coward and Luke being a crazy whiner, he didn't know if he really wanted to know what was in store when his own actor showed up. Still, walking out now would be cowardly, and besides, this was his idea in the first place – if he walked out now the others would never let him live it down.

Onstage, the Obi-Wan actor was hugging the Luke actress. "There was absolutely _nothing_ you could have done, Luke," the actor said. "Nothing, nothing, nothing, so don't feel guilty at all."

"Oh I'm not," said the Luke actress. "Now that they're dead and I have nothing left here, I want to go to Alderaan like you and become a Jedi just like my dad. Hey by the way, how did my dad die? My uncle said he died in a totally lame way, but I'm sure that's not true given how lame my uncle was and all."

"Well, yes, he totally lied to you," said the Obi-Wan actor, "and I most _definitely_ didn't tell him and your aunt not to tell you anything about your father, so don't go blaming _me_ for their lameness!"

The Luke actress looked like she was drawing circles on the stage with her shoe. "So how DID he die? Tell me the REAL truth now, cause if you lie I'll never forgive you!"

"Okay," said the Obi-Wan actor, "the REAL truth . . ." His voice lowered to a mutter. ". . . from a certain point of view . . ." He raised his voice back to normal volume. ". . . is that your father was betrayed and murdered by an evil Sith Lord named Darth Vader. There it is, that's the absolute complete one hundred percent truth . . ." His voice lowered to a mutter again. ". . . from a certain point of view."

"Wow . . ." said the Luke actress, looking like a child who had just found out where babies come from. "Well you know what, when I'm a Jedi, if I ever see this Darth Vader I'm gonna avenge my father!"

"Good, good," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You do that. But for now, we have to find a pilot to take us to Alderaan, so let's go look in the nastiest, seediest cantina on the planet – I'm SURE we'll find someone trustworthy there! What better place to find someone who's completely trustworthy?"

"Oh BOY!" said Lando. "Now we get to see how they do Han!"

Han growled. "Lando, I think you're enjoyin' this a bit too much."

Lando snickered. "C'mon Han, savor this. It's the last few moments of your life before you find out what this play will do to you."

Meanwhile a bunch of stagehands in full view of the audience were setting up tables, chairs, and a bar while the Luke, Obi-Wan, and droids actors seemed to be pretending not to notice them. Han couldn't say he was an expert at theater techniques, but he thought there had to be a way to change the scenery that didn't look so . . . obvious.

"Oh look!" exclaimed the Luke actress once the scenery was set up. "The MOS EISLEY CANTINA! My lame aunt and uncle never let me come to a place like this."

"Master Luke," said the 3PO actor, "might I ask why you use the word _lame_ so much?"

"Cause it describes my life," said the Luke actress, running her hand through her hair. "Or it did up until now when I FINALLY get to go on an adventure!"

The Obi-Wan actor again adjusted his fake beard and drew attention to the fact that it was fake. "Gee, you're sure taking your guardians having just died well, but I guess that's not going to concern me. But anyway, this is a WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY, meaning once again that it's the perfect spot to find someone trustworthy, so let's get going."

During their conversation, several human actors had come onstage dressed up as various different species, causing Chewie to growl that this acting company seemed to be prejudiced against nonhumans.

"Well . . ." Han quickly tried to come up with an excuse, "maybe only humans auditioned? I mean, maybe there are more humans into theater in general, I dunno."

[It's still offensive,] growled Chewie. [Some Wookiees would pull a human's arms off for trying to impersonate one of us.]

"Okay, okay, you can talk to the director after the play, but for now let's just . . . see how they portray us." Han got a bad taste in his mouth just saying that.

"HEY, NO DROIDS!" the bartender actor shouted. "We don't serve their kind! We serve every _other_ kind, but not droids."

"Well, I don't think droids can even _drink_ ," said the Luke actress, "so that's kind of a pointless rule. What's your beef with droids anyway? What did they ever do to you?"

Before the bartender could answer, the two thugs ganged up on the Luke actress in much the same manner that they had in real life and for once the real Luke didn't seem to have anything to complain about. However, then the Obi-Wan actor spoke the words Han had been secretly dreading.

"Chewbacca here is first mate on the ship that might suit us."

With that, a tall human with shaggy brown hair glued all over him strode onto the stage. "Rrraaaawwwwr!" he shouted, causing the real Chewie to growl in anger and Han's eyes to bulge.

"What's wrong?" asked the real Luke.

"That Chewie actor just said somethin' rather . . . rude," said Han.

"Raaarruuugh!" the Chewie actor continued.

"Gah!" exclaimed Han. "That was even ruder!"

"Rooorrrraaaarrrwwwll!" the Chewie actor kept on.

Han's eyes bulged to their physical limit. " _That_ was somethin' you only hear in the lowest, dirtiest conversations."

"Raaaawwwwurrrrrr!" the Chewie actor finished.

Han and Chewie both leapt to their feet. "That's it!" shouted Han. "I'm outta here! Believe it or not, I _do_ have standards!"

But before either could leave, Leia pulled Han back down and Lando pulled Chewie back down. "Oh no you don't," said Leia. "If we have to suffer through this, so do you."

Han grumbled to himself as he sat back down, folding his arms as an actor dressed in his favorite white shirt/black vest outfit came onstage and flopped down at one of the tables. The actor's hair was so messy that it was sticking out in all directions and drooping down into his eyes, and he held a large bottle in one hand.

"Han Solo," the actor said in a deep voices as the other actors sat at his table. "I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon, now feel free to bask in the glory of me and my ship while I take a drink." With that, he started glugging from his bottle for what might have been a full minute before giving a satisfied belch. "Hey, how come you ain't basking in my glory?"

"Sorry," said the Luke actress, " _what_ ship are you the captain of again?"

"The MILLENNIUM FALCON!" the Han actor shouted. "C'mon, _everyone's_ heard of the Millennium Falcon! The ship that made the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs?"

"Really?" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You DO know a parsec is a unit of DISTANCE, not time, right?"

"What?" the real Han exclaimed as the actor Han looked like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "People're still goin' on about THAT? Doesn't everyone know by now that part of the Falcon's speed comes from its _navigation_ skill?"

The real Chewie roared at him to quiet down.

"Well if you don't even know the difference between distance and time," said the Luke actress, "then why should we trust you to fly us across the galaxy?"

"You wanna trust someone else?" the real Han retorted as he took another swig from his bottle. "Like those two guys who attacked you? I've got the fastest ship in the ENTIRE galaxy and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong." He took another long, _long_ gulp from the bottle and belched again. "So for the little tiny price of ten thousand credits in advance, I can get you guys to Alderaan without the Empire catchin' us."

"Ten THOUSAND credits?" the Luke actress shouted. "For that much we could buy our OWN ship, so why should we listen to you?"

The Han actor gluged more from his bottle and hiccupped. "Yeah, well who's gonna _fly_ it? You? I don't think so!"

"Of COURSE I could fly it!" The Luke actress banged her fist on the table. "I'm a great pilot and my dad was a Jedi! You know what, you can take your ten thousand credits and your fastest ship in the galaxy and stick them up your . . ."

The Obi-Wan actor put his hand over the Luke actress's mouth. "Two thousand credits now and then fifteen when we get to Alderaan, how does that sound?"

"Wow . . . SEVENTEEN THOUSAND CREDITS?" the Han actor shouted.

"Ben, are you crazy?" exclaimed the Luke actress.

"No," said the Obi-Wan actor, leaning over to the Luke actress, "two thousand now and then an extra _fifteen_ credits when we get to Alderaan, but Mister I Don't Know Distance From Time doesn't need to know that."

"You guys got yourselves a ship," said the Han actor, puffing out his chest as he took yet another drink. "I'd do ANYTHING for seventeen thousand credits, so meet me at Docking Bay 94 and we'll get going."

"All right, Docking Bay 94," said the Obi-Wan actor as he and the Luke actress rose from their seats and exited the stage.

"WOW!" the Han actor yelled after the Obi-Wan and Luke actors were gone. "Seventeen THOUSAND credits! Chewie, this is our lucky day – we're gonna pay off Jabba and be RICH RICH RICH! C'mon, let's go get the ship ready for those suckers!"

He leapt out of his seat, dancing around the stage while still drinking from the bottle when a human actor with his face painted green jumped in front of him, pulling a blaster on him.

"Oh, Greedo!" exclaimed the Han actor, throwing his hands in the air and dropping his bottle. "Funny running into you – I was just gonna go see your boss!"

The Greedo actor spoke in a gibberish that was definitely _not_ Huttese.

"Come on Greedo, we're all friends!" the Han actor stuttered. "I just made a deal that'll get me a big pile of money and . . . oh hey, what's this?" With that, the Han actor drew his blaster and shot Greedo, who fell over in a way-too-dramatic manner.

"Ha!" shouted the Han actor. "I SHOT FIRST! Did ya hear that, everyone? _I_ SHOT FIRST! Let it be known to everyone that I SHOT FIRST! Make no mistake, I SHOT FIRST!"

" _What's_ he makin' such a big deal about?" the real Han exclaimed.

"Don't know," said Leia.

"It's like this guy thinks his entire reputation rests on shootin' first – talk about _insecure!"_

" _Did_ you shoot first?" asked Leia.

"Actually . . . I don't remember."


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 5

After the cantina furniture was taken away, a bunch of stormtrooper-dressed actors chased the hero actors around the stage for a few minutes before the Han actor shouted, "C'mon, we gotta take off!" and they all ran offstage as a recording of a ship taking off played over the speakers.

"What?" the real Han shouted. "We don't even get to SEE the Falcon?"

"Well, what would you expect?" Lando asked with a shrug. "You've only got so much room on a stage."

"Oh great," Leia groaned. "Here _she_ comes."

Sure enough, the Leia actress was being dragged onstage by two stormtrooper actors. Now there were big dark lines running down her face from her eyes, as if she had been crying out her makeup.

"WELL, Your Highness," the Vader actor shouted as he stormed onstage, "you've resisted the torture droid, so we need to try further matters."

"What more could you possibly DO to me?" wailed the Leia actress. "You're so HORRIBLE the way you torture people!"

"Yes we are," said another actor dressed in an Imperial Grand Moff costume as he too strode onstage. "That's the whole point – we're an EVIL EMPIRE, and we couldn't very well be an EVIL EMPIRE if we didn't do evil things!"

"Oh, Grand Moff Tarkin!" exclaimed the Leia actress. "So THAT'S why this place stinks so bad! I mean, seriously, when was the last time you bathed? Do you even use deodorant?"

The Tarkin actor smirked. "Do you think talking about my smell is going to win you any friends, princess? Do you think it will help your planet?"

"What do you mean, help my planet?"

"Why, the planet we're about to destroy, of course!" the Tarkin actor declared, rubbing his hands together in a maniacal manner. "Mwahahahaha, it'll be WONDERFUL, all those innocent people dying, I can't wait!"

"NOOOOO!" screamed the Leia actress. "You CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Oh yes I can!" snapped the Tarkin actor. "And I will! Buuuutttt, I _might_ be persuaded to change my mind if . . . say . . . you tell us where the Rebel Base is?"

"NEVER!" screamed the Leia actress, her voice hurting the real Leia's ears.

"Fine," said the Tarkin actor, "then we'll destroy your planet. Hope you said goodbye to dear old Mom and Dad."

The Leia actress gave a loud sob. "No, WAIT, I'll tell you! They're on Dantooine, go destroy that planet instead!"

The Tarkin actor rubbed his hands together again. "WOOHOO! Now we have TWO planets to destroy instead of one!"

"WHAT?" the Leia actor screamed.

The Tarkin actor cackled. "Poor poor gullible princess, you didn't REALLY think we'd spare your planet, did you? If we didn't destroy Alderaan I wouldn't get to have fun killing all those innocent people! Now LET'S BLOW THIS PLANET UP! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT?" the Lea actor screamed yet again. "HOW HORRIBLE CAN YOU BE?"

"Like, I said evil empire," said Tarkin.

There was a loud BOOM over the speakers as the stage briefly went dark, then it relit to show the Luke actress holding up the lightsaber toy and the Obi-Wan actor gripping his head.

"What's wrong, Ben?" the Luke actress asked in her obnoxiously high voice.

"Oooh," moaned the Obi-Wan actor, "I just felt a disturbance in the Force, like millions of people suddenly cried out in terror before they were obliterated . . . but oh well, can't help them now. Keep practicing that lightsaber."

"Is _everyone_ in this play completely heartless?" the real Luke muttered as the Han actor strode onstage in a wobbly manner, still clutching his bottle.

"Hey everyone," said the Han actor, "Han Solo's IN THE HOUSE!" He hiccupped loudly. "So BASK IN THE GLORY of the guy who got you away from the Imperials!"

"Yeah yeah, that's nice," said the Luke actress, "now let me play with my way cool lightsaber."

Lando snickered through his nose at that line, but everyone else ignored him.

"Oh come ON!" The Han actor hiccupped again. "I saved all your butts and you just ignore me?" He immediately took another long swig from the bottle. "Ya know, if you guys weren't payin' me seventeen thousand credits, I'd dump you off my ship right now!"

"Hey, that's not nice!" the Luke actress exclaimed.

"Luke, calm down," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You need to practice feeling the Force. The Force _flows_ through you, all the way through your body and down into your _lightsaber_."

Lando snickered again.

"Oh come ON!" the Han actor shouted. "You guys really _believe_ all that Force crap?"

The Luke actress's eyes bulged as if the Han actor had insulted her mother. "How can you POSSIBLY not believe in the Force? Sure, I knew nothing about the Force before yesterday, but now I TOTALLY BELIEVE IN IT AND I'M NOT GONNA LET ANYONE INSULT IT!"

"Bravo!" The Obi-Wan actor was clapping now, glancing at the audience as if he expected them to start clapping too. "Anyway, since you've had five whole minutes of lightsaber practice, I think it's time for you to move to the next level." A stagehand rushed onstage and handed the Obi-Wan actor a blast shield helmet, which the Obi-Wan actor placed on the Luke actress's head.

"But how am I supposed to do anything if I can't SEE?" the Luke actress whined.

"Simple!" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You simply use the FORCE! Now why don't you start off by going after the one who just insulted the Force?"

"What?" the Han actor exclaimed.

"Okay!" shouted the Luke actress, raising the lightsaber over her head. "Han, you're going DOWN! YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" With that, she went chasing after the Han actor, who went running around the stage, still clutching his bottle.

"C'mon kid!" the Han actor screamed. "Don't do this, I just drank a whole lot and that ain't good for runnin' . . . if you stop I'll let you have some . . . HEEEEELLLLPPP!"

The audience had burst into laughter, with the small exception being the box in which the supposed inspirations for the play sat, the small exception for that box being Lando, who was chortling along with the rest of the audience.

"Wait! Wait!" the Han actor finally screamed in an out-of-breath voice. "We're comin' in on Alderaan, see! You can chase me later, but right now we've gotta get your droids there or whatever!" He belched loudly. "Meanwhile, I need a drink."

The real Han folded his arms in a sulky manner. "So this director thinks I'm some kinda drunken buffoon? I'm gonna have some choice words after this thing's over."

Meanwhile, the Luke actress had taken off the helmet and was staring offstage as if confused. "Wait a minute, you said we were coming in on Alderaan!"

"Yeah," said the Han actor.

"So WHERE is Alderaan?"

The Han actor looked back and forth as if confused. "Huh, it's not here. Maybe I need to drink some more." He took still another swig from his bottle. "Hmm, nope, still not there, better drink even more." Now he took a long gulp from the bottle. "Nope, still not there, weird."

"Doesn't that thing ever _empty?"_ the real Han groaned.

"You IDIOT!" the Luke actress shouted. "You took us to the wrong place! You probably don't even know where Alderaan IS, do you? I KNEW we shouldn't have let you take us!"

"Wait, calm down," said the Obi-Wan actor, striding towards them with his hands spread out. "He didn't take us to the wrong place – Alderaan is GONE. The Empire destroyed the entire planet!"

"Wow," said the Luke actress, "an entire planet destroyed . . . millions of people dead . . . oh well, what do we do now?"

Suddenly, all the actors slid to the floor as a loud BOOM sounded through the speakers.

"What the hell was THAT?" the Han actor screamed. "I ain't THAT drunk!"

"Oh, I should have known this would happen," the Obi-Wan actor said, though he didn't seem the least bit surprised. "It appears that we are being pulled into a tractor beam."

"And how the hell can THAT happen?" the Han actor exclaimed between gulps from the bottle. "There's nothin' here except that small moon over there."

"Oh really?" the Obi-Wan actor said with a smirk. "Well I'll have you know that's no moon. It's a . . . SPACE STATION!"


	6. Chapter 6

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 6

Of course the play didn't actually show the Falcon getting captured – the actors merely exited the stage as the lights dimmed. "Why can't these guys actually _show_ the action?" the real Han muttered.

Leia shrugged. "Well personally I'd rather _not_ see Alderaan blow up again."

"Okay, not that," said Han, "but what about all the battles and flyin' and stuff? _Surely_ audiences would want to see those, so why doesn't this theater try harder to give 'em some excitement?"

"Shh," said Luke as the lights came back on, revealing the Vader actor talking to a stormtrooper.

"This ship looks exactly like the one that blasted out of Tatooine, you know, the one that looked like a big pile of junk," said the stormtrooper, "but there doesn't seem to be anyone on it. The log that the drunken captain somehow keeps says that everyone abandoned ship, so they must be out floating in the vast vacuum of space."

"And you BELIEVE that?" asked the Vader actor.

The stormtrooper actor shrugged. "Well sure, I don't see any holes in that story whatsoever."

The Vader actor slapped himself in the mask. "Why do I keep you guys around? I oughta . . . wait. I _sense_ something. The last time I sensed that was when I got my limbs cut off and my old master left me to burn – LITERALLY left me to burn!"

"Gee," said the stormtrooper, "that sucks."

"You're darn RIGHT it sucks! I mean, all I did was turn to the dark side and murder kids and stuff. Anyway, I want the WHOLE ship checked, which includes checking the floors for any hidden compartments, got that?"

"Yes sir!" said the stormtooper actor before they both exited.

Lando was grinning maniacally as the Luke, Han, Chewie, Obi-Wan, and droid actors snuck onto the stage right behind the Vader actor. "Oh boy, this should be good."

"Ya know, the only reason you're enjoyin' this is cause you ain't in it yet," said the real Han.

"Shh," said Lando. "You don't wanna miss the _brilliant_ dialogue, do you?"

Meanwhile, the Luke actress was looking around with wide eyes. " _Wow,_ I didn't know you could make space stations _this_ big! What do you think this place does?"

"Well _obviously_ it captures ships like mine," said the Han actor, forever still drinking from that bottle and swaying side to side as he did so. "Now if we're gonna get outta here . . . we're gonna have to . . ." He hiccupped. ". . . disable that tracor . . .trater . . .TRACTOR beam!"

"Beep!" said the R2 actor.

"Oh good!" exclaimed the 3PO actor. "R2 says he knows how to disable the tractor beam! All you have to do is climb onto this teeny tiny ledge hundreds of feet in the air and pull these levers to disable it without falling off. Sounds easy enough."

"Hmmm," said the Obi-Wan actor, again adjusting his fake beard, "since I'm the old man, I think I should be the one to do that. The rest of you can . . . I don't know, sit here for a while."

"Good!" the Han actor exclaimed as he slumped into a chair that a stagehand had just shoved onto the stage. "It's been almost two minutes since my last drink!"

"But Beeeennn," whined the Luke actress, "I don't wanna just sit here – this is supposed to be an adventure!"

The Obi-Wan actor put his hands on his hips, slightly shaking his head. "Luke, someone has to watch over the droids so we can safely get them to the Rebellion."

"Well how are we supposed to do _that?"_ shouted the Luke actress. "It's not like we know where the Rebel Base is and Alderaan's been blown up, so we can't just go over there and ask!"

"Oh, I wouldn't give up hope," said the Obi-Wan actor. "Who knows, there just might be a prisoner on this very space station with all the answers. Now excuse me, I have a date with destiny. May the Force be with you."

"Hmm," said the real Luke, "come to think of it, how _were_ we gonna get the droids to the Rebellion if Leia hadn't been on the Death Star? Did Ben have some plan I didn't know about? And why am I letting this stupid play get me thinking?"

Meanwhile, the Luke actress was sulking with her arms folded. "It's not FAIR! I thought Ben trusted me!"

"Oh, quit your whining, kid," said the Han actor, leaning back in the chair. "By the way, you still owe me seventeen thousand credits, Alderaan or no Alderaan, so the old fossil had better pay up."

"Old . . . FOSSIL?" The Luke actress's voice was squeaking as if she were just starting puberty. "How DARE you call him that! He's the greatest person in the ENTIRE GALAXY and you'd better not insult him or you'll have to answer to ME!"

"You mean you'll use that light-up thing on me?" the Han actor scoffed.

"As I recall, you were pretty SCARED of that light-up thing!" the Luke actress retorted, sticking out her tongue like an eight-year-old. "Now take that back or I'll cut a nice hole in your chest!"

"Damn!" the real Han exclaimed. "What got this lady thinkin' Luke was so bloodthirsty?"

"Probably the same thing that got her thinking I was such an idiot," said the real Luke.

Suddenly the R2 actor started shaking, as if he either really had to go to the refresher or had something extremely important to tell the others. "BeepbeepbeepbeepBEEEEEP!"

"Goodness R2, what is it?" shouted the 3PO actor. "Really, you would do well to learn how to be quiet once in a while!"

The R2 actor blew a raspberry.

"What do you mean you know where the princess is?"

"PRINCESS?" the Luke and Han actors exclaimed in unison.

In the audience, Leia was sinking down in her seat.

"Why yes," said the 3PO actor, "that's what I just said."

"The PRINCESS is here?" the Luke actress squealed.

"Wait, what princess?" asked the Han actor.

"Why, the princess in the message, of course!" the Luke actress sang. "She's the most BEAUTIFUL, most SEXY, most SMOKIN' HOT girl in the entire universe! And . . . and she's HERE! That super sexy princess is HERE and I could MEET her right now!"

"Actually, that might be difficult," said the 3PO actor. "It appears that she is scheduled to be terminated immediately." "

The Luke actress looked like she had just been knocked on the head. "NOOOOO! THEY CAN'T KILL HER! NOT BEFORE I'VE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO MEET HER!"

The real Luke had to clench his teeth to keep himself from launching into his own yelling fit.

Meanwhile the actor Han was clutching his head. "Kid, you're gonna give me a hangover here."

"Han, you've gotta help me!" the actress Luke shouted. "We've gotta save her!"

"What? No, no way I'm goin' into the detention area!"

"But they're gonna KILL her!"

"Better her than me!"

The real Leia gasped. "Wow Han, this actor makes you look _totally_ heartless."

"Uh . . . yeah, he does," said the real Han, uncomfortably shifting his eyes.

"But wait!" the Luke actress was saying. "She's RICH!"

The Han actor leapt to his feet. "RICH? Did you say RIIIICCCCCHHH?" He slapped his bottle against his hip. "Well that changes EVERYTHING! Chewie, we're gonna go rescue this princess so we can get a huge reward and get RICH RICH RICH! We're talkin' booze for life, Chewie! BOOZE FOR LIFE!"

The real Han groaned loudly.


	7. Chapter 7

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 7

The stormtrooper actors and the Rebel actors chased each other up and down the stage and the Rebel actors shot out the cameras dangling from the ceiling and Han kept thinking about how he would stage the fight better. For one thing, he wouldn't have his actor take a swig of alcohol every few seconds.

"All right," the Han actor was saying as he studied the console he was at, "your princess is in cell 2187, go get her!"

"WOOHOOO!" the Luke actress yelled as she dashed offstage. "I'M GONNA GET LAID!"

In the audience, the real Luke was flinching.

Meanwhile, the actor Han leaned over the console and started speaking into the microphone. "Uh, everything's okay here, just a little weapons malfunction . . . yeah, yeah, that's it, a weapons malfunction."

"Really?" said the voice over the console. "That sounded like more than just a little malfunction."

"Well that's my story and I'm stickin' to it," said the Han actor. "It was a weapons malfunction and everything's perfectly fine now. So . . . how are you?"

"I'm fine, but this sounds extremely suspicious," said the voice. "We're gonna send a squad up."

"NO!" the Han actor yelled. "Negative! Negative! There's . . . uh . . . let's see, there's gotta be something wrong here . . . oh I know, a reactor leak! Yup, great big reactor leak, very dangerous! Better not come up here if you value your life!"

"Who is this, anyway?" asked the voice. "Our voice recognition software doesn't recognize you."

"Voice . . . recognition . . . software?" the Han actor exclaimed in a small voice. "Uh . . . well does it recognize THIS?" He shot the microphone, after which the audience started applauding.

"Oh YEAH!" shouted Lando, clapping along with them. "Face it Han, people love you when you're bein' an idiot."

"I can't _wait_ till _you_ get in this play," the real Han grumbled.

Meanwhile, the actress Luke was grandly striding up to the edge of the stage where the actress Leia stood. "Oh Princess Leia," the Luke actress said in an exaggerated voice, "my name is Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you. Oh wow, you're even HOTTER in real life than you are in a hologram!"

"My HERO! I was so SCARED!" shouted the Leia actress, throwing her arms around the Luke actress. "And you're so HANDSOME too, it's like a handsome prince is coming to my rescue!"

"Oh Leia," said the Luke actress, "my heart beats only for you!"

In the audience, the real Luke and Leia scooted as far away from each other as possible, disgusted looks on their faces.

"Lead the way, my mighty rescuer!" shouted the Leia actress.

"With pleasure!" the Luke actress said as the Han and Chewie actors caught up with them.

"Luke, we got company!" the Han actor shouted.

"What?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "You didn't stupidly talk into a microphone pretending to be an Imperial, did you?"

"Uh . . . maybe."

A bunch of stormtrooper actors ran onto the stage and started exchanging fire with the Luke, Han, and Chewie actors, which lasted several minutes longer than was sufficiently entertaining.

"SAVE ME!" the Leia actress wailed. "I DON'T WANNA DIE! WAAAAAHHH!"

The real Leia slapped herself with both hands and shook her head in irritation.

"Don't worry, my beautiful helpless princess!" the Luke actress shouted. "I'll protect your delicate self!"

" _HELPESS? DELICATE?"_ the real Leia yelled.

Han gently gripped his wife's shoulder. "Hey sweetheart, it's just a stupid play. No one _really_ thinks you're helpless or delicate."

" _THIS_ is what I'm savin'?" the Han actor was yelling.

"Hey, don't you DARE insult her!" shouted the Luke actress. "She's too HOT to be insulted!"

"Yeah, well I like women with _spines,"_ snapped the Han actor.

"So do _I,_ " muttered the real Leia while her actress counterpart burst into tears.

"Why are you so MEAN?" the Leia actress wailed. "And why didn't you come up with an escape plan? We're all gonna die here and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Someone _shut her up!"_ the actor Han and the real Leia shouted in unison.

Eventually it was the Luke actress who had the idea to hide in the garbage chute instead of the Leia actress and instead of trying to brace up the walls while the garbage crusher closed, the Leia actress just stood around and cried while the men did all the work.

"I'm going to talk to the director about how _sexist_ this play is," said the real Leia.

Lando shrugged. "Come on Leia, lighten up. Maybe you just _want_ to see sexism in everything."

" _What?"_

Finally, after several minutes of the stormtrooper and Rebel actors chasing each other around the stage and shooting at each other, the Vader and Obi-Wan actors faced each other, their toy lightsabers at the ready.

"I've been waiting for this for twenty years," said the Vader actor. "You don't cut off someone's legs and leave them to burn without consequences, Obi-Wan."

"What, you're still hung up on _that?"_ said the Obi-Wan actor. "Come on, let it go already! I must say, you're looking pretty good for someone who burned almost to death. That suit probably works wonders when it comes to scaring people."

"Well, yes it does," said the Vader actor, "but that's beside the point! The point is that you're going DOWN! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Their toy blades clashed and swung at each other in a very unpolished duel that looked like they were just swinging their weapons randomly.

"You can't win, Darth," said the Obi-Wan actor. "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

"Oh really?" said the Vader actor. "And how would you do that?"

"I'd turn into a blue ghost who sometimes gives people advice," said the Obi-Wan actor.

Vader suddenly stopped swinging his lightsaber, as if he couldn't believe what he just heard. " _Seriously?_ _That's_ your idea of becoming more powerful than I could possibly imagine?"

"Well to be honest I was hoping that you couldn't imagine a lot," said the Obi-Wan actor. "But anyway, you want your revenge?" He turned his lightsaber over and held it up in a vertical position. "Here, take it."

"Wait . . . what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You want your revenge, so I'm letting you have it. Now come on, kill me."

"You're SURRENDERING?" the Vader actor shouted. "That's no fun!"

"Well, do you want your revenge or not?"

The Vader actor groaned. "Fine, but I'm still not happy." He swung his blade at the Obi-Wan actor and the stage went dark as the Luke actress screamed, "NOOOOOO! NOT BEN! I'LL AVENGE HIM, VADER! AND WHILE I'M AT IT, I'LL AVENGE MY AUNT AND UNCLE . . . what were their names again?"


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Thanks for the reviews!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 8

"The only way to destroy the Death Star is to fire an _exact_ shot at this tiny exhaust port," the Dodonna actor was saying. "It's only two meters long, but somehow hitting it will cause a chain reaction that will destroy the entire station – isn't that convenient? Why, you'd almost think it was an inside job, but we'll probably have to wait almost forty years before we know that for sure."

"That's impossible!" shouted the Wedge actor.

"No it's not!" said the Luke actress. "I used to shoot womp rats on Tatooine and I'm sure that's EXACTLY like hitting a tiny exhaust port on a giant space station!"

Meanwhile, the Han actor was downing his drink and swaying side to side. "Why'm I even here?"

"Hey, do you think it really _was_ an inside job?" the real Luke whispered.

"Don't know," said the real Leia.

"Unlikely," said the real Han.

"Yes indeed," said the real 3PO, "in fact, the odds of that would be approximately . . ."

"I don't care!" Han quickly shouted as his actor started packing up and the Luke actress approached him.

"So that's IT?" the Luke actress wailed. "You get your reward and you just LEAVE?"

"Yeah," said the Han actor. "Why wouldn't I? I owe a shit-ton of money to Jabba the Hutt and even if I didn't I wouldn't stick around here to get myself killed."

"You COWARD!" the Luke actress yelled. "Don't you care about these people?"

"Well excuse me, Mister I Don't Care About My Dead Guardians!" the Han actor snapped. "Pardon me for _not_ just throwin' away my life on the off-chance that someone'll hit that teeny-tiny target!"

"Well FINE!" shouted the Luke actress. "We don't need you anyway – I could hit that target with my eyes closed!"

"FINE!" the Han actor snapped back.

"I kind of _did_ do it with my eyes closed," said the real Luke. "Well, I was letting the Force tell me where to aim, anyway."

To the real Han's surprise, they actually showed the Death Star battle . . . sort of. At least, they showed actors running across the stage holding up toy X-Wings and TIE Fighters while dramatic music played.

"PEW! PEW!" shouted the Rebel actors.

"PEW! PEW!" the Imperial actors shouted back.

Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie all rolled their eyes.

"I'm hit!" shouted one of the Rebel actors before running offstage.

Han shrugged. "Well, guess there are worse ways to die than . . . running offstage."

"This is Red Five!" said the Luke actress. "I'm going into that dangerous trench! You know, it's amazing that they're letting me fight in this battle seeing as how I just showed up yesterday and I have no fighting experience whatsoever, but I have the FORCE, so I think I'll totally be the one to blow this thing up! PEW! PEW!"

"I'm going to help the fighters," said the Vader actor from somewhere offstage. "Cover me! PEW! PEW!"

Several minutes went by of the various actors running around holding their toy ships and pew-pewing each other and running offstage to die. "Is this _always_ how they do starship battles in plays?" Han asked no one in particular.

"Well, sometimes they just stand still," said Lando. "Some of the bigger theaters use holograms for effects, but some people don't like that cause they wanna, you know, use their imaginations in the theater."

"LUKE!" The Obi-Wan actor's voice was suddenly booming over the speakers.

"Obi-Wan?" the Luke actress exclaimed. "Is that you? Are you talking to me from the dead?"

"Yes," said the voice over the speakers.

"Wow, this is awesome! I can talk to dead people!"

"Yes, yes, very cool," said the Obi-Wan actor voice, still over the speakers. "Now listen, you must USE THE FORCE to destroy the Death Star, and for that you must turn off your targeting computer."

"But can't I use both my targeting computer AND the Force?" the Luke actress asked.

"NO, it doesn't work like that!" said the Obi-Wan actor's offstage voice. "You must TRUST YOUR FEELINGS and LET GO. Otherwise everyone will blow up and it'll be all your fault."

"Uh . . . okay, Ben." The Luke actress swallowed. "Targeting computer off! Use the Force . . . use the Force . . . use the Force . . ."

"I have you now!"

The Vader actor came swooping onstage, toy TIE Fighter raised over his head. "Pew pew pew! You won't destroy this station!"

"Yes I will!" shouted the Luke actress.

"No you won't!" shouted the Vader actor.

"Yes I will!"

"No you won't!"

Suddenly the Han and Chewie actors came running onstage, the Han actor holding a toy Millennium Falcon over his head in one hand and his ever-present bottle in the other. "Pew pew pew pew PEW!" he shouted.

"Oh NOOOOOOO!" the Vader actor screamed as he started spinning around, spinning and spinning until he was offstage.

The real Luke rolled his eyes. "Well that was . . . comical."

"All right kid!" said the Han actor. "Let's blow this thing and go home!"

With a large grin, the Luke actress stretched the arm holding the toy X-Wing over her head, pointing it at the audience. "Pew . . . pew . . . pew . . . PEEEEEWWWWWW!"

A loud BOOM sounded over the speakers, shaking the floor under the seats.

"So . . . I guess the Death Star just got destroyed?" the real Luke whispered.

"Yeah," said Leia, "but they really could have done it better."

"They could've done a LOT in this play better," muttered Han.

Meanwhile, the Luke, Leia, and Han actors were all group hugging and the Leia actress was (of course) sobbing loudly before the R2 actor came limping on to the stage.

"Beep," he said in a low voice. "Beep . . . beeeeeeepppp . . ." He collapsed.

"Oh dear!" shouted the 3PO actor, running onto the stage. "Poor R2!"

"What does he mean 'poor R2'?" asked the real 3PO. "The actor merely said that he wishes to dance with a mechanic from Naboo, though I do not understand exactly why he would say that."

The medal ceremony proceeded pretty much how it had in real life, except the Chewie actor shouted out some foul words in the Wookiee language, which the real Chewie suspected was because he had been denied his own medal.

Finally, the lights came back on and a voice announced over the speakers that there would be a fifteen minute intermission.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Lando. "I can't wait to see what they do next!"

The others didn't share his sentiment.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 9

Leia rushed out of the theater and into the lobby, intent on getting to the refresher before the inevitable long line formed, but there was already a line of women outside it. She groaned as she took her place in the line, glancing to the side and seeing that the males in her group were entering their refresher without having to wait.

"Hey, are you really THE Princess Leia?"

Leia turned around and there was a young human girl waiting behind her, her hair done in messy buns on either side of her head, prompting Leia to smile warmly. "Why yes, I am."

The girl squealed. "You're my HERO! Hey, can you do the scream?"

"Scream? What scream?"

"The scared scream, of course!" The girl was grinning widely, as if showing off the little gap between her teeth.

"What?"

"You know, the scared scream! When you're all terrified that you're not gonna be rescued! I hope I'm someday gonna get rescued like you too!"

Leia had to take a deep breath to keep herself from making a scene in front of this child. "Young lady, you don't need to just sit around and wait to be rescued. You can also be the one who _does_ the rescuing. You can be strong and brave and smart and you don't need to let anyone tell you what to do with your life."

"Oh," said the girl, "okay . . . but can you still do the scream?"

. . .

Despite the temptation to simply leave, the entire group was back in the box at the end of intermission, snacks replenished and attitudes sour (the exception being Lando, of course).

"You guys just can't handle your flaws being performed onstage," Lando was saying leaning back in his seat. "Whether you like it or not, this play is telling the truth. The ugly truth."

The others in the box probably would have tackled him if the lights weren't dimming and the second act wasn't starting. The curtain opened to reveal the Luke actress now dressed in a snowsuit . . . and with a fake taun-taun around her waist, the head of which was sagging. Fake snow that was obviously tiny pieces of paper was blowing around her.

"It's been three years since the Death Star was destroyed," the actress announced, "but the war rages on. Now we are stationed on the ice planet of Hoth, but it's probably only a matter of time before we have to relocate again." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Brrr, it's cold. I'm supposed to be scanning for life forms, but I haven't picked up on ANY life so far."

Meanwhile, a man in a Wampa costume that was so poorly designed that his head was sticking out of the Wampa mouth tiptoed up behind the Luke actress.

"Nope," the actress continued, "absolutely NO LIFE AT ALL. No life for HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF MILES! No life at . . . AAAAHHHHH!"

The Wampa actor grabbed the Luke actress and dragged her offstage.

"Hey," said Lando, "how come your sensor _didn't_ pick up on the Wampa?"

"Don't ask me," said the real Luke as the Han and Leia actors stormed onstage, the Han actor glugging from his bottle as always.

"What do you MEAN you're gonna leave?" the Leia actress wailed.

"Just what I said – I'm gonna LEAVE!" the Han actor shouted back. "I've got a big debt that I haven't paid in three years and Jabba's probably put interest on it which probably means I'm screwed."

"Well isn't that all the more reason to NOT leave?"

"Oh wait," said the Han actor, "I get it! You LIKE me, don't you?"

"What?"

"You like me!" the Han actor sang. "You like me, you like me, you like me!"

"N-no!" the Leia actress sputtered. "I-I mean, just because you're so drop-dead handsome and brave and just plain awesome doesn't mean I LIKE you! I mean, you're drunk all the time!"

"What?" the Han actor exclaimed. "I ain't drunk all the time!" With that, he took a long swig from his bottle. I ain't . . ." He hiccupped loudly. ". . . drunk!" He took another swig. "Now you want in my pants, don't ya?"

"Of COURSE I don't!" the Leia actress snapped. "And I totally don't daydream about you naked!"

"Well _I_ don't daydream about _you_ naked!"

Both the real Leia and the real Han slapped themselves.

"Princess Leia! Captain Solo!" the 3PO actor screamed as he rushed onstage. "I do hate to interrupt your sexual-tension-fueled argument, but Master Luke has gone missing!"

"Oh no!" the Leia and Han actor shouted in unison.

"Yes," said the 3PO actor. "He's probably lost in the snow and who knows what could be happening to him!"

"Well, I've gotta . . . gotta . . . gotta . . ." The Han actor was swaying from side to side before he took another drink from his bottle. ". . . gotta go after him, yeah that's it! I've gotta go after him!"

"WHAT?" the Leia actor shouted. "You CAN'T go out there all alone! You'll freeze to death and then who will I argue with? DON'T GO!"

"Sorry princess," said the Han actor. "Duty calls!"

"NOOOOO!" the Leia actor shouted as the lights went out. "I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT A CUTE BUTT YOU HAVE!"

The real Leia groaned. "Is the play over yet?"

When the stage lights came back on, the Luke actress was sprawled out on the floor while the Wampa actor was pretending to eat the fake taun-taun.

"Oooh, where am I?" the actress asked, gasping when she saw the Wampa actor. "Well this isn't good. If only I had my lightsaber . . . oh wait, there it is!" She stretched her arm towards the toy lightsaber lying a few feet away from her. "Oh no, I can't reach it!"

The real Luke rolled his eyes. "If she's not hanging upside down like I was, why doesn't she just go get it?"

"Wait!" the Luke actress shouted. "I can use the FORCE to get it!" She started grunting as she reached for the lightsaber toy. "Al . . . most . . . got . . . it . . ." Then the lightsaber (which was obviously attached to a wire) slid towards her. "AHA, I've got it!"

She leapt to her feet and turned on the toy lightsaber just as the Wampa actor jumped out to attack.

"HA!" the Luke actress yelled, tapping the Wampa actor on the shoulder and causing him to cry out in pain and run offstage.

"Really?" the real Luke exclaimed. "THAT'S how they do me cutting the Wampa's arm of?! No one would even know what happened if they didn't already know beforehand!"

"Shh!" said Lando.

Meanwhile, the Luke actress was staggering up and down the stage. "Where's the base, where's the base, WHERE'S THE BASE? Oh no, I'm gonna freeze to death! Oh nooooo!" She collapsed.

Just then, the Obi-Wan actor slid onto the stage, now wearing a light blue robe that sparkled with what must have been thousands of sequins. "LUKE!" he shouted.

"B-B-Ben?" the Luke actress asked in a strained voice without getting up.

"Yes, Luke," said the Obi-Wan actor. "I know you're freezing to death and it's unlikely that you'll remember anything in your condition, but I want you to go to the Dagobah system."

"Dagobah system?"

"Yes, and there you'll learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me from a certain point of view. Well, bye!" He slid back offstage.

"Wait, Ben!" the Luke actress called. "How am I supposed to go to Dagobah when I'm kind of FREEZING TO DEATH HERE? How . . ." She fainted just as the Han actor came onstage with his own fake taun-taun around his waist.

"Oh no, LUKE!" the Han actor shouted, stepping out of the taun-taun and running up to the Luke actress. "C'mon Luke, don't die on me! Do you need some booze? I can give you some booze to warm you up!" He poured contents from his bottle onto the Luke actress's face, but she didn't stir. "Oh shit, did I just waste my booze for nothing? Uh . . . I know, I'll warm you up in the taun-taun!" He dragged the Luke actress over to where he had thrown down the fake taun-taun. "Ugh, I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE."

Once they reached the taun-taun, the Luke actress scrambled away from it. "EEEEWWWWWW! Han, are you trying to kill me?"

"Hey, I was sticking you in the guts of a dead animal to keep you ALIVE!" shouted the Han actor.

"And what, were you gonna leave me in there all night?"

"No, of course not! I'm gonna set up a tent where the two of us can sleep together and snuggle up to keep each other warm . . . in a totally heterosexual way, of course!"

"Oh, okay!" the Luke actress said in a squealing voice as she jumped on the Han actor and the stage went black.

In the audience, both the real Luke and the real Han had awkward looks on their faces.

"Let me guess," said Lando, "what happens in the tent stays in the tent, right?"

Neither of them answered.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 10

"Well, Your Highness," the Han actor was saying, "since I saved Luke's life, how about givin' me a kiss for a reward?"

"I'd rather kiss a Wookiee," the Leia actress said with her hands on her hips and her nose in the air.

"All right," said the Han actor. "Chewie, get in here!"

The Chewie actor rushed onstage, roaring that he was in heat and causing the real Chewie to slap himself.

"Hey Chewie," the Han actor said after taking a swig from his bottle, "the princess here says she wants to kiss you."

"No I didn't!" the Leia actress wailed. "I really want to kiss . . . LUKE!" She rushed up to the bed where the Luke actress lay and grabbed his face to kiss her passionately. The Luke actress threw her arms around the Leia actress and eagerly returned the kiss, both of them making loud sucking noises on each other's lips.

The real Luke looked like he was about to vomit. "How long is this kiss gonna last?"

"Well kid . . . you DID enjoy it when it was happenin'," said the real Han.

"DON'T remind me!"

It must have been at least a full minute before the actors' lips separated. "WOO!" the Luke actress screamed. "That was AMAZING! Han, I bet you're SO JEALOUS!"

"What? NO!" shouted the Han actor. "I ain't jealous! I just . . . REALLY need a drink." He immediately started chugging from his bottle for even longer than the kiss had lasted before both he and Leia were called to the other end of the stage by an actor in a Rebellion general's uniform.

"Your Highness, Captain Solo," the general actor said, "there appears to be an Imperial probe droid here and the Empire's probably going to attack any minute now, so let's give the evacuation code and prepare for battle."

"Wait," said the real Han, "they cut out how _I_ blew up the probe droid?"

"Looks like it," said the real Leia, "but that's the least of this play's problems."

The Battle of Hoth played out similarly to the Battle of Yavin, with actors running around carrying toy snowspeeders and shouting out "pew pew!" while circling around pairs of actors carrying AT-AT props on their shoulders that looked like they were made of cardboard.

"Pew pew!" the Luke actress was shouting, the snowspeeder toy high over her head. "Pew pew PEW! It's no use, the armor's too strong for blasters! We've gotta go to Plan B!"

"We have a Plan B?" one of the Rebel actors asked.

"Of course we do!" said the Luke actress. "I just . . . need to think of it!"

"Oh come ON!" shouted the real Luke. "You think we'd try to take on AT-ATs _without_ a Plan B?"

"I've got it!" exclaimed the actress Luke. "Let's stick them with our tow cable harpoons and then fly around and around them in circles until they're all tangled up in the cables and they trip over!"

"THAT'S your Plan B?" exclaimed a Rebel actor.

"Well . . . it sounded much cooler in my head, but let's try it!"

There was more running around the AT-AT props, but this time the Rebel actors were quickly tying string to the cardboard legs before winding it around and around the props.

"WOOHOO!" the Luke actress yelled as the actors carrying one of the tied up AT-AT props kneeled down. "WE GOT ONE! Now let's blast it!"

"Wait," said a Rebel actor, "I thought you said the armor was too strong for blasters."

"Not when it's tripped over!" said the Luke actress. "That makes perfect sense, right?"

"Eh, I guess," said the Rebel actor. "I'm sure there's some resource on the HoloNet that explains it."

After a lot more running around and tying up AT-AT props, the stage finally darkened on the battle and relit to show the Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors running around.

"Oh dear!" screamed the 3PO actor. "We will all die here! I'm sure it is R2's fault, even though he's not here. Things are always his fault, after all!"

"Shut up, you stupid droid!" the Han actor shouted, glugging his bottle as he ran around the stage. "We've gotta get to the Falcon before the Empire gets us!"

"'Before the Empire gets us'?" the real Han exclaimed. "What am I, five?"

"OH NO!" the Leia actress was wailing. "I don't want Vader to get me again!" She burst into tears as she ran. "WAAAAH! SAVE ME, HAN! SAAAAAAAVVVVVEEE MEEEEEEEE!"

The real Leia's teeth were grinding so hard that it sounded like she was trying to chip away her enamel.

Meanwhile, the four actors sat on chairs the stagehands has brought out and the Han actor was reaching in front of him like he was pretending to fly a ship. "Don't worry, everyone!" he shouted. "My baby's gonna get us outta here!"

"Your 'baby' is a pile of junk!" the Leia actress shouted back. "We're all gonna DIE!"

"I do agree with the princess," said the 3PO actor. "We WILL all die!"

"Shut UP, all of you!" shouted the Han actor. "We just need to go into hyperspace and we'll lose them. Here we go!"

A loud creaking noise sounded over the speakers, irritating everyone's ears.

"Captain Solo," said the 3PO actor, "it appears that the hyperdrive has been damaged and we can't go to lightspeed."

"Oh NOOOOOO!" sobbed the Leia actress. "WE'RE ALL DOOMED!"

"Fear not, princess!" said the Han actor, chugging from his bottle again. "I just need to tinker with a few things to fix the hyperdrive." He got out of his seat and threw himself on the floor. "C'mon Chewie, open this thing for me!"

The Chewie actor slid to the floor next to the Han actor and opened a trap door in the stage. "Thanks pal," said the Han actor. "Now I just need to slide down in here and expose my butt to anyone who might be watching." He bent down into the trap door, which indeed left his rear end pointing upwards. "Everyone's gettin' a good look, right? See what a fine ass I've got? Hey, is Leia lookin'? I know SHE likes my ass. Finest ass in the galaxy, all right."

In the audience, the real Han looked like he was two seconds away from charging at the stage and attacking his actor.

"Han," the real Leia quickly said, putting a hand on her husband's arm, "you _do_ have a nice ass."

Strangely enough, that made him calm down, though he ignored the snickering from Luke and Lando.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 11

"Come on, R2," said the Luke actress, holding a toy X-Wing over her head as the R2 actor followed her.

"Beep beep beep?" the R2 actor said.

"No R2, we're not regrouping with the others – we're going to the Dagobah system."

"Beep?"

"What?" the Luke actress exclaimed. "No, of COURSE we're not abandoning the Rebellion! We're just going to Dagobah so I can find a Jedi Master Obi-Wan's ghost told me about when I was freezing to death and then I'll train with him for who-knows-how-long until I'm a full Jedi and THEN we'll go back to the Rebellion!"

"Beep?" the R2 actor repeated.

"Why does that actor keep asking for a bathing suit?" the real 3PO asked. "I am starting to believe that he does not actually understand the language of astro droids."

The real R2 beeped in agreement.

"Uh-oh!" shouted the Luke actress. "I think we're going down!"

With that, both the Luke actress and the R2 actor fell forward, the Luke actress's toy X-Wing flying out of her hand and skidding across the stage.

"Oh NOOO!" the Luke actress continued. "WE'RE GONNA CRASH!"

Both actors tumbled down on the stage, rolling over and over as if they were having a contest to see who could roll over the fastest.

"Owwww," the Luke actress moaned once they had finally finished tumbling. "I think I twisted something."

"Beeeeep," the R2 actor responded.

"Oh my, does this actor have no shame?" the real 3PO exclaimed as the Luke actress helped the R2 actor to his feet.

The Luke actress started pacing. "Okay, we're here, so now we need to find this Yoda. Even though I have no idea what he looks like or what part of the planet he lives on – we could have crashed on the wrong side of the planet . . . but I guess the FORCE will guide us, right? Right?"

"Beep," said the R2 actor.

The Luke actress grimaced. "What do you _mean_ it was stupid to come here? Obi-Wan's ghost said to come here and when a ghost tells you to do something, you do it! Now come on, we might have to search the entire planet for this Yoda person, so we'd better get started."

"Started with what?" came a raspy voice from offstage.

"AAAAAHH!" screamed the Luke actress, immediately drawing her blaster.

"No, no, away put your weapon! Mean you harm I do not! Shoot me do not!"

An old human male waddled onstage, his face painted light green and fake pointy green ears pasted on his head, once again making the real Luke slap himself.

"Here, why are you?" the actor asked, leaning on his cane. "You, who are?"

"Uh . . . I'm Luke," said the Luke actress.

"Mmm," said the Yoda actor, hobbling up to the Luke actress. "Luke, you are? Here, what are you doing? Long way from home, you are. Heheheheheheh!"

"I can already tell this guy's gonna go over the top," said the real Luke.

"Uh," the actress Luke was saying, "I'm looking for a mighty Jedi Master that a ghost told me about when I was freezing to death."

"Mmm, crazy that is, but know Jedi Master I do. Yoda. Yoda, you seek. Hmm. Now food I want. Hmmm. Lots and lots of food I want! Eat your food I will!"

"What?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "No! You can't it eat my food! I just crash landed on this slimy mudhole and my food's probably all wet and disgusting and you wouldn't like it!"

"WHAT? Mudhole? Slimy? Insult my home YOU DO NOT! For that, take you to Yoda I will not!"

"Hey kid," whispered Han, "was Yoda really this . . . crazy?"

"Actually, he kind of was," the real Luke whispered back, "but this guy's still overdoing it."

The Luke actress was growling through her teeth in frustration. "Well fine! I don't need you to find Yoda anyway!"

"Hmm," said the Yoda actor, "well what if on wrong side of planet you are? Far away Yoda could be, and know what he looks like you do not!"

"Wait . . . how do you know I don't know what Yoda looks like?"

"Heheheheheh!" The Yoda actor gave a maniacal grin. "Find out, you will, if let me take you to Yoda, you do. Heheheheheheh!"

"Do you _always_ laugh like that?"

"Heheheheh!" the Yoda actor replied. "Laugh, it would do you some good to more. Now follow me, you will, and dinner we will have!"

"DINNER?" shouted the Luke actress. "I thought we were gonna see Yoda!"

"Yes, yes, Yoda we will see, but dinner we will have first. Patience, you must have, and food you must eat."

"But I DON'T WANNA EAT! I WANNA SEE YODA _NOW!"_

The real Luke groaned.

"Come, come," the Yoda actor continued as a stagehand set up a cooking pot. "Cook dinner, I will and eat you will."

"I don't want to EAT!" the Luke actress repeated, folding her arms like a stubborn child. "I want to find Yoda and become a Jedi!"

"Hmmm, you Jedi? Why become Jedi, do you want?"

The Luke actress shrugged. "Well, because my dad I've never met was a great Jedi and I wanna be just like him."

"Just like him, even though met him you have not?" said the Yoda actor. "Stupid, that sounds. Idolize your father too much you do and disappointed you will be!"

"Why would I be disappointed?"

"Oh, well what if evil Sith Lord he turned out to be?" The Yoda actor gave that maniacal grin again.

"What? That would NEVER happen! Never never NEVER! My dad was a GREAT JEDI and don't you DARE insult him!"

"Hmm," the Yoda actor repeated, "well, eat it's time to, then discuss Yoda we will."

"Hmph!" The Luke actress folded her arms again and stomped her feet. "I wanna see Yoda NOW!"

With that, the Yoda actor stomped his feet back. "Teach this boy, I cannot! Impatient he is, waste my time he will!"

"Wait, what?"

Suddenly the Obi-Wan actor spun onstage, still wearing that sparkly blue robe. "Well you pretty much have no choice, given that he's the only Force-sensitive we have."

"Really?" said the Yoda actor. "What about the sis . . ."

"SHHH!" The Obi-Wan actor quickly covered the Yoda actor's mouth. "He can't know about that right now, and besides he'll think he's much more important if we let him believe he's the only Force-sensitive left."

"What was that?" the Luke actress asked.

"Nothing!" the Yoda and Obi-Wan actors exclaimed in unison.

"Merely discussing Jedi business we were!" said the Yoda actor.

The Luke actress's eyes bulged. "So . . . so YOU'RE Yoda?" She turned to the Obi-Wan actor. "Why didn't you TELL me he was old and green and crazy?"

The Obi-Wan actor shrugged. "Sometimes I don't tell people things, it's no big deal. It's not like I lied about your father or anything."

The real Luke snorted.

"So anyway Ben," said the actress Luke, "could you please tell mean unreasonable Yoda here that I AM ready to be a Jedi?"

"Ready you are NOT!" shouted the Yoda actor, swatting at the Luke actress's legs with his cane. "Think fun it is to be a Jedi? No, stupid you are. Reckless you are. Whiny you are."

"What do you mean WHINY?" the Luke actress wailed.

"Remember," said the Obi-Wan actor, "he's our absolute LAST HOPE and there are NO more Force-sensitives at all and he DEFINITELY doesn't have a Force-sensitive sister!"

The Yoda actor gave a long sigh. "Fine, but obey me he must."

The Luke actress leapt in the air. "YAY! I'm gonna be a Jedi and make my dad proud!"

"Yes, yes," said the Yoda actor. "Now on your hands stand."

"What?"


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 12

"What is thy bidding, my master?" the Vader actor asked as he kneeled in front of a hologram of an actor in a hood and lots of wrinkle makeup. "For that matter, why do I say 'thy' when talking to you? It seems like such an archaic word."

"Nevermiiiiiiiind that," snapped the Palpatine actor's hologram. "I suppose you want to know why I caaaaaaaalled yooooooooouuuuuu."

"Well, I imagine it has something to do with an evil scheme."

"Yeeeeeeessssss," said the hologram. "There is a great distuuuuuuuuuurrrrrbance in the Fooooooooorrrrrce."

"Why is he talkin' like that?" Han whispered. "Is he tryin' to set a record for how long he can hold a word?"

"Eh, he kind of talked like that in real life," said Luke. " _Kind_ of."

"I have felt it too," said the Vader actor.

"We have a neeeeeeewwwwww enemyyyyyyyyyyyy," the Palpatine actor continued. "The young Rebel who destrooooooooooooooooyyyyyyed the Deeeeeeeaaaaaaaath Staaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr."

"Yes, master," the Vader actor replied.

"I have no dooooooooooouuuuuuubt that this booooooooooy is the offspring of Anakin Skyyyyyyyyyyywaaaaaaaalker."

"Wait, what?" exclaimed the Vader actor. "He's my SON?"

The Palpatine actor raised an eyebrow. "Of coooooooouuuuuurrrsssse he iiiiiiiissss. You two have the saaaaaamme last naaaaaame. How many Skyyyyyywaaaaaalllkers do you think there are in the galaxy?"

"Uh, there could be millions, actually."

"All right, faaaaiiiir point, but anyway, the sooooooon of Skyyyyywaaaaaaalker must not become a Jeeeeeediiiiiiii."

"And how can he, master? Obi-Wan is dead."

"Well maybe there's some Jeeeeeeediiiiii Master on some faaaaaaarrrrrrawaaaaaaaayyyy planet and maybe Obi-Waaaaaaaaaaaannnnn's ghost will send him there."

"That's a pretty long shot, master."

"Don't interrupt! Now as I was saaaaaaaayyyyyying, we must kiiiiiilllllllll young Skyyyyyyywaaaaaaalker before he can become a Jeeeeeediiiiiii."

"Are you suggesting that I kill my own son, my master?" asked the Vader actor.

"Since you kiiiiiiillllled all those kiiiiiiids ages ago, I'd think you'd have no problem with iiiiiit," said the Palpatine actor.

"Wait," exclaimed Luke, "my father _killed kids?"_

"Still," the Vader actor was saying, "it seems a waste for someone so strong in the Force to just be killed like that. What if we could turn him to the dark side? He'd be a valuable ally then."

"Hmmmmm," said the Palpatine actor hologram. "Yeeeeesssss, he could be quite a powerful Sith if we could tuuuuurrrn him."

"GREAT idea!" exclaimed the Vader actor. "I'll bet my boy will be all excited to finally meet his dad and rule the galaxy with his dad! I mean, who wouldn't be excited to learn that his dad is a powerful Sith Lord? I wish _my_ dad were a powerful Sith Lord . . . for that matter, I wish I had a dad."

"Weeeeeellll," said the Palpatine actor, "I _might_ have used the dark side to impreeeeeeeggggnate your mooooooom."

The Vader actor immediately perked up. "So you're my father from a certain point of view? OH BOY, this is going to be a GREAT family reunion!"

Meanwhile in the audience, both Luke and Leia gave noticeable flinches.

"Now if only Padme were here," the Vader actor continue, "then it would be perfect – an entire family of Sith ruling the galaxy together."

"Your wiiiiiiife wasn't Foooorrrce-sensitive, remember?" said the Palpatine actor.

"Oh right," said the Vader actor. "Oh well, can't have everything."

"Now caaaaaaaan you turn the boooooy?"

"Of course," said the Vader actor, bowing lower. "He will join us or die, master, but I'm sure he'll choose to join us. After all, who would pass up the opportunity to rule the galaxy with your dad? Sure, I had to Force-choke my wife when _she_ turned the offer down, but I'm sure my son won't be so stupid."

Luke rolled his eyes as the hologram disappeared and the stage darkened. It lit up again to the Leia and Han actors stomping onstage, looking like they were in the midst of another argument. The Han actor was guzzling from his bottle like always.

"HOW could you get us into this mess?" the Leia actress was wailing. "Flying through the asteroids was so SCARY! I thought I was gonna DIE!"

The real Leia growled.

"Well we DIDN'T die," the Han actor retorted. "That was the whole POINT!"

"But now we're trapped INSIDE an asteroid!" the Leia actress kept wailing.

Now the real Han was growling. "So they skipped _everything_ I did in the asteroid field?"

Lando shrugged. "Well, it'd probably just be more toy ships and pew-pewing, so it's probably no great loss."

Meanwhile, the Leia actress was folding her arms and sniffing at the Han actor. "And how long do you think we'll be here?"

"I dunno, I haven't figured that part out yet. Hopefully we'll leave before the booze runs out." He took what was probably the hundredth swig from his bottle.

The Leia actress growled in frustration, hitting herself on the thighs. "Why do I put up with you? WHY?"

"Cause you LIKE me," said the Han actor, feebly trying to imitate the real Han's cocky grin but failing.

"No I DON'T!"

"Great, we're starting _this_ again?" the real Leia groaned.

"C'mon," said the actor Han, "I got us through the asteroid field, didn't I? And I saved Luke from the blizzard and helped blow up the Death Star? Admit it, sometimes you think I'm an okay guy, don't you?"

The Leia actress sighed. "Well . . . I like your butt. And sometimes you might be okay . . . especially when you aren't acting like a scoundrel."

"Ooooh, SCOUNDREL?" the Han actor's grin was still a pale imitation of the real thing. "I like that word – it sounds sexy."

"What? I was trying to INSULT you, you moron herder of nerfs!"

 _"_ _Herder of nerfs?"_ the real Leia exclaimed.

"Scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel," the actor Han was repeating. "You like me cause I'm a scoundrel. Scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel . . ." By now it almost sounded like he was singing it.

"Do you realize how dumb you sound?" the Leia actress asked.

"Nope," said the Han actor, "but I might if you kiss me."

"WHAT?"

"I bet you've never kissed a scoundrel," the Han actor purred. "C'mon, just one little kiss?"

In the audience, the real Han and Leia were both flinching in disgust as the actor Han and Leia pressed their lips together with loud slurping noises and kept sucking on each other's lips for at least a full minute.

"Oh, Captain Solo!" the 3PO actor called as he rushed onto the stage.

"What?" the Han actor yelled. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of a make out session here?"

"Sorry, Captain Solo," said the 3PO actor, "but it appears that this is not a cave and you have flown us into a giant space slug that is going to digest us!"

"OH NO!" the Leia and Han actors shouted in unison as the real Han grumbled about the play making 3PO steal his thunder.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Sorry it took me so long to update this - I've been busy with grad school.

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 13

"All right, listen up!" the Vader actor announced, marching up and down past a line of bounty hunter actors. "If you're wondering why I called you here, you clearly weren't paying attention when you got my call. However, just in case you weren't listening, here's your mission. The one who finds the Millennium Falcon wins a GREAT BIG BOUNTY – but I want them alive, no disintigrations."

"What?" exclaimed the Boba Fett actor. "No disintigrations? That's no fun!"

The Vader actor strode up to the Boba actor, pointing a threatening finger at him. "Well you won't get the bounty if you don't follow my orders."

"Orders? ORDERS?" the Boba actor yelled. "Do you know who you're talking to? I'm BOBA FETT, bitch! The greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy! I take orders from NO ONE!"

"Then how do you get jobs?" the Vader actor snapped. "Now I am ORDERING you to capture them without killing them or you will get a nice Force strangulation, do you understand?"

"Oooh, edgy!" said the Boba actor. "Fine, you'll get your prisoners alive, but if you torture them, I wanna be around to see it."

"No promises," said the Vader actor.

"Oh come ON!" shouted the Boba actor. "The greatest bounty hunter ever should be able to see some torture!"

The Vader actor folded his arms and tapped his foot in irritation. "And how do I _know_ you're the greatest bounty hunter ever?"

"Easy! Just ask all my FANS! I have more fans than any other bounty hunter in the galaxy, so that makes me the best! And wait till you see all the action figures I have! Yessirie, all you need to do is mention the name Boba Fett and the fanboys drool!"

The Vader actor slapped his mask. "Look, just do your job and get me the Falcon, okay?"

"Fine, fine," said the Boba actor. "I'll totally get the Falcon before any of these other loser bounty hunters even find out where it is!"

"Do you even know what the Falcon LOOKS like?" the Vader actor asked.

"Nope, but I don't need to – I'm BOBA FETT!"

In the audience, Luke was nibbling on a candy bar as the lights dimmed. "Just _what_ do people see in him, again?"

"I dunno," said Han. "Maybe it's the helmet."

Meanwhile, the lights came back on, revealing the Luke actress standing on her hands while the Yoda actor sat next to her. "Why . . . do . . . I . . . have . . . to . . . do . . . this?" she grunted.

"Help you use the Force, it does," said the Yoda actor.

"HOW?"

"Mmm, clear the blood from your head being upside-down does. More room for the Force them, hmmm. Of course, make old Jedi do it, I did not, but mess with you, I want to. Now those rocks, lift."

The Luke actress grunted. "I CAN'T DO IT!"

The Yoda actor groaned. "Wimpy, you are. The rocks, lift, or climb on top of your legs, I will. In my butt, your foot will be."

"Okay, OKAY! I'll try!"

"No, TRY not! Do, or not do, try there is no!"

"What?" both the actress Luke and the real Luke exclaimed in unison.

"Hmmm," said the Yoda actor. "The Force, use, see visions, you will. See friends long gone, you will."

"Friends long gone?" the Luke actress repeated. "Han? Leia? NO!" She toppled over in a heap as the Yoda actor gave a loud groan.

"CONTROL!" The Yoda actor whacked the Luke actress with his cane. "Control, you must, or fall over like that you will."

The Luke actress moaned as she rubbed her head. "City in the clouds . . . I saw a city in the clouds . . ."

"Hmm, probably some unimaginative name like 'Cloud City' it has."

"They were suffering . . ."

"Mmm, yes, suffer your friends will at a cloud city, do about it, what can you?"

"What do you MEAN do about it, what can I?" the Luke actress shouted. "I'm gonna go RESCUE them, of course!"

The Yoda actor sighed. "If leave now, you do, help them, you could, but destroy everything they suffer for, you will."

"I don't CARE!" the Luke actress shouted as she scrambled to her feet. "I can't let them die!"

"Occur to you, does it, that a TRAP this is? Bait they could be, for YOU Darth Vader to get."

"I have no idea what you're saying, but even if I did, I'd STILL go rescue my friends!" With that, she ran offstage and the lights dimmed again.

In the audience, the real Luke folded his arms, grumbling something about the only reason his actress counterpart couldn't understand the Yoda actor was because the script made Yoda's speech needlessly convoluted, but before anyone could respond to him, the stage lights came one again, now illuminating the Han and Leia actors once again.

"Are you SURE you can trust this Lando Calrissian person?" the Leia actress was asking.

"Of course!" the Han actor said before taking a swig from his bottle while the Chewie actor roared that he wanted to eat an Ewok for dinner. "He and I have been buddies for years and he totally would NEVER rat me out to the Empire! Never ever EVER!"

"But are you SURE?"

"Come on, don't you trust me?"

"Yeah, but do YOU trust this friend of yours?"

"Well . . . no, not really, but he's STILL my buddy and he'd NEVER rat me out, I swear on my whiskey!"

Meanwhile, the real Han was grinding his teeth rather loudly.

"I mean," the actor Han continued after hiccupping, "we once made a pinky-swear to never turn each other over to the Empire, and NO ONE can break a pinky-swear!"

The actress Leia moaned. "I have a bad feeling about this," and for once the real Leia was in complete agreement with her actress counterpart.

"Oh boy!" said Lando, rubbing his hands together. "I can't wait to see how they do me!"

Han snorted. "Yeah, neither can we."


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Sorry it took me so long to update (again). Grad school keeps you busy and I also did NaNoWriMo, but thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 14

Lando was leaning forward in anticipation as the Leia, Han, Chewie, and 3PO actors strode onto the stage with the Bespin backdrop. "Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!"

"Why?" asked Luke. "You'll probably be made as lame as the rest of us."

Lando smirked. "Not _me._ You guys all got your flaws acted out, but I don't _have_ flaws to act out."

Everyone else in the box growled at him, but before they could do anything the 3PO actor spoke up.

"No one is meeting us?" said the actor. "Oh dear! Oh woe! It appears that we have been forgotten!"

"I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" wailed the Leia actress, bursting into tears for what might have been the hundredth time while the real Leia buried her face in her hands.

"Come on," said the Han actor after chugging from his bottle. "Lando won't . . ." He hiccupped. ". . . let us down . . . I mean, we pinky swore!"

"THAT'S RIGHT, BUDDY!" came a voice booming over the speakers as a drumroll sounded. "You want Lando? Well here he comes, the ONE, the ONLY, the AMAZING, the SPECTATULAR . . . LANDO FREAKIN' CALRISSIAN!"

Loud music played over the speakers as the Lando actor danced in full of swagger. His hair was puffed up in an exaggerated manner, his cape was overly-colorful, and he was wearing shades. "Oh YEAH, baby!" he shouted. "LANDO'S IN THE HOOOOOOUUUUUUSE!" He strode up to the Han actor. "HAN!" he yelled, pronouncing it wrong just like the real Lando always did. "My brother from another mother! What brings you to the fabulous Cloud City?"

The Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors all just stared at the Lando actor for several seconds before the Han actor managed to say "Repairs."

"WHAT?" shouted the Lando actor. "You messed up MY ship?"

The Han actor hiccupped. "Hey, she's MY ship now, remember? I cheated to win it fair and square!"

 _"_ _What?"_ the real Han exclaimed. "I did NOT cheat! Sides, Lando never plays fair anyway."

"Well never mind," said the Lando actor, "my people will have it fixed in a jiffy! Now com'ere, you!" With that, he grabbed the Han actor's head and started giving him a noogie. "Who's my best bud? Oh yeah, who's my best bud that I'd never EVER turn over to the Empire?" Then he noticed the Leia actress. "Hello, what's this?" he shouted, immediately dropping Han and rushing up to the Leia actress. "Well HEY THERE, aren't you the hot stuff?"

The real Leia slapped her forehead for what was probably the tenth time.

"Oh YEAH!" the Lando actor continued. "Mmm-mmm, you are one SMEXY piece of meat!" He grabbed her hand in a swooping motion and gave it a loud, slurpy kiss. "Bet you'd like a piece of Lando, wouldn't you?"

"Uh, not really," said the Leia actress.

"Come ON!" said the Lando actor, spreading out his arms just as the Han actor got up behind him, which of course knocked the Han actor back to the floor. "EVERYONE wants a piece of Lando!"

"Well _she_ doesn't," the Han actor growled from the floor.

"Oh-ho-ho, I get it!" said the Lando actor, pointing from the Leia actress to the Han actor and back again. "You two are an _item!"_ He chuckled slyly. "Well I'll make sure you guys get plenty of privacy – and you'll share ONE bed, of course, heh heh heh!"

As the Lando actor sauntered backwards offstage and the stage darkened, the real Lando just stared ahead, his eyes bulging.

"Well Lando," Han said in a smug voice, "bet you ain't lovin' this play so much NOW, are you?"

"Are you kidding?" Lando exclaimed. "I . . . am . . . AWESOME!"

Meanwhile, the stage lights came back on and the Lando actor was already leading the Han, Leia, and Chewie actors to that fateful dinner. "I bet you guys have been getting plenty of R&R," the Lando actor was saying. "What'd I tell you – I've got the best luxuries for lightyears around!"

"I've seen better," said the Leia actress.

"Well of course YOU have – you're a princess after all!" said the Lando actor. "But I'll bet you've never had Cloud City FOOD! Oh yeah, you've got no idea what you're in for."

With that the Vader actor, the Boba Fett actor, and several stormtrooper actors stormed onstage. "Oh _yes,_ " said the Vader actor, "you indeed have _no_ idea what you're in for."

The Lando actor grinned. "Oh, did I forget to mention that I kinda made a deal with Vader to turn you guys over to him in exchange for him leaving my city alone? Sorry."

Both the real Leia and the real Han watched with bulging eyes as the Vader actor tortured the Han actor and the Han actor gave gigantic screams that blared all over the theater.

"Uh, hey Vader?" said the Boba actor.

"What?" asked the Vader actor, staring at the Han actor on the switchboard as if he were watching an entertaining show.

"You DO know that Jabba wants him alive, right?"

"Hmm? Oh sure, he'll be alive, now let me watch the torture."

"Did you hear me?" the Boba actor snapped. "He's NO GOOD TO ME DEAD!"

The Vader actor looked up as if he were rolling his eyes under his mask. "Come on, you're ruining a perfectly good torture session here!"

By now the real Han was grinding his teeth and the real Leia was squeezing his hand in reassurance, though his teeth kept grinding even as the lights went out and ended the scene. His teeth ground even harder as the lights came back on, the Leia, Han Chewie, and 3PO actors (the play had apparently cut out how 3PO got blown up in real life) being led into the carbon freezing chamber, which was simulated by steam shooting out of the stage floor.

"Hey guys!" said the Lando actor, spreading out his arms in greeting. "So glad you could join us for the big freezing!"

The Han actor sneered. "Look, if you're gonna freeze me, at least let me have a drink or three first."

The Vader actor groaned. "Put him in the freezer and DON'T give him any drinks!"

"Sorry Han," the Lando actor said with a chuckle as the stormtrooper actors dragged the Han actor over the steam, "but you know, business is business, so no hard feelings?"

Meanwhile the Leia actress burst into tears. "Oh Han, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUUCCCCH! I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU EARLIER, BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOOOOUUUUUU!"

The Han actor gave a loud, annoyed groan. "I KNOW, okay?" He turned to the Vader actor. "Hey, can you just freeze me already so I don't have to listen to this?"

Both the real Leia and the real Han slapped their foreheads.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 15

"Well Calrissian, did he survive?"

"Yup," said the Lando actor, kneeling by the rather poorly-constructed frozen Han prop. "He's in perfect hibernation too, so he gets to take a nice nap on the way to Jabba."

"HOW COULD YOOOOUUUU?" the Leia actress was wailing. "YOU'RE SO HORRIBLE!" Meanwhile the Chewie actor was growling that he wanted to take an X-Wing out to dinner.

The Vader actor groaned. "Get them out of here and take them to my ship."

"Sure thing . . ." said the Lando actor, ". . . hey, wait a minute, didn't you say they'd be able to stay here?"

"Well I'm altering the deal." The Vader actor folded his arms. "So pray I don't alter it further."

"Oh, okay," said the Lando actor, grabbing at the Chewie actor's arm. "Well, sucks to be you guys!"

The real Chewie was growling as the lights went out again.

"Oh really, Chewbacca," said the real 3PO. "Is this production really worth that kind of language?"

Meanwhile, the stage lights came back on to show the Luke actress sneaking around, blaster in hand. "Yoo-hoo, Leia, Han, where are you? I sensed you guys in danger, so where are you?" She scratched her head. "Huh, for that matter, how did I know how to get here? I guess the Force showed me."

"So there you are, young Skywalker."

The Luke actress sharply turned around to see the Vader actor striding onstage. "Well there YOU are, Vader!" she snapped back, activating her lightsaber. "Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

The Vader actor again looked up as if he were rolling his eyes under his mask. "Really, is _that_ the best you could come up with?"

"Less talking, more fighting!" the Luke actress yelled, charging at the Vader actor with her lightsaber drawn, though the Vader actor easily blocked her.

"Did you really think you could take on a Dark Lord of the Sith?" the Vader actor scoffed.

"Of course I did!" shouted the Luke actress, swinging at him again. "After all, I've had something like a month of training – why shouldn't I be able to take on a Sith Lord?"

The Vader actor groaned. "You're right – less talking, more fighting."

They sparred for several minutes after that in a rather boring fashion that just consisted of swinging their blades at each other over and over. The real Luke commented that the actual fight was much more intense than this.

"Enough of this!" the Vader actor finally shouted. "Let's just get to the part where you turn to the dark side and join me!"

"WHAT?" screamed the Luke actress. "I'll NEVER join you! Never never never NEVER!"

"Oh really? Well you might change your mind if you knew the truth about your father."

The Luke actress spat at him. "My father was a GREAT JEDI and you could never dream of being half as great as he was!"

"Funny you should say that," said the Vader actor in a sly voice.

"AND," the Luke actress shouted, "YOU killed him!"

Now the Vader actor was chuckling. "Oh, is that what Obi-Wan told you? Well guess what, I've got a little surprise for you!"

"I don't care what it is! I don't accept presents from evil Sith Lords like you!"

"Oh, you'll accept _this_ one."

"NO! I want nothing to do with you! You KILLED MY FATHER!"

The Vader actor chuckled even louder. "That's where you're mistaken, young Skywalker. You see . . ." A drumroll sounded over the speakers. ". . . there's something very important you need to know . . ." The drumroll got louder. ". . . something that will change your life FOREVER . . ." The drumroll got even louder. ". . . here it is, hold on to your butt . . ." Now the drumroll was irritating everyone's ears. ". . . _I_ AM YOUR FATHER!"

The theater burst into applause for some reason while the Luke actress just stared at the Vader actor. She had to wait maybe a full two or three minutes before the applause finally died down.

"Seriously?" she exclaimed. "You expect me to buy that?"

"Wait, what?" the Vader actor exclaimed back. "What do you mean?"

"Well come ON," said the Luke actress. "You don't SERIOUSLY expect me to believe you're my father, do you? I mean, you're in a SUIT, for crying out loud!"

The Vader actor slapped his mask (again). "What do you want, a DNA test?"

"Is there even enough left of you to GIVE DNA?"

The Vader actor growled. "I'm your FATHER, got that? Obi-Wan lied to you and now your whole world is shattered."

"Nope," said the Luke actress, shaking her head, "not buying it. Ben would NEVER lie!"

"All right, that's it!" shouted the Vader actor, swinging his lightsaber at the Luke actress. "You're losing a hand for being such a disrespectful son!"

"OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" the Luke actress screamed as she dropped her lightsaber and pulled her sleeve up over her right hand.

"There, that's what you get for not believing your dad," said the Vader actor. "Now it's time for you to join the dark side and we can rule the galaxy together as father and son!"

"And WHAT makes you think I'd join you after you CUT OFF MY HAND?"

"Uh . . . gee, you've got a point there."

"Forget it!" shouted the Luke actress. "I'm gonna fall down this conveniently-placed chasm, see ya!" She ran offstage.

"Dammit!" shouted the Vader actor. "Why does no one ever want to rule the galaxy with me?"

Lando was chortling as the stage went dark. "Hey Luke, is that what really happened?"

Luke only scrunched his mouth.

When the stage lit up again, the Lando actor was pointing a blaster at the stormtrooper actors who had the Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors surrounded. "You know what?" he said. "I've decided to join you guys and help you rescue Han."

"What?" exclaimed the Leia actress. "Why should we believe you?"

"Because I'm SMOOTH, of course! I'm too awesome to stay a bad guy! So what do you say, do you forgive me?"

The Leia and Chewie actors looked at each other for a moment.

"Okay," said the Leia actress before freezing all of a sudden. "But wait! I SENSE something!"

"What do you mean?" asked the Lando actor while the Chewie actor growled that he was hungry for womp rat meat.

"I mean I SENSE that Luke's in danger!" shouted the Leia actress. "Hmmm, that could mean that I'm Force-sensitive . . . but nah, that's ridiculous."

The group proceeded to run to the other end of the stage, where the Luke actress staggered up to them. "Hey guys," she said, waving with the sleeve-covered hand. "I've been through hell . . . wow Han, what happened to you – you look nothing like yourself."

Everyone exited the stage except for the Lando actor, who grinned as he turned to face the audience. "Well, I guess we'll be off on a big mission to rescue Han now. Hmm, it could take months, so you guys probably don't want to stick around for the whole thing. See you next act!" He waved in a suave manner as the curtain closed and a voice over the speakers announced another fifteen-minute intermission.

In the audience, a collective groan went through the gang's box at the thought of sitting through yet another act – but Lando was grinning.

"I LOVE this play!" he shouted.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Thanks for reviewing!

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 16

"Where's that actor?" Han growled as the group made their way to the lobby. "I'm givin' him a piece of my mind!"

"Han, I don't think you're allowed backstage," said Leia.

"I don't care! You don't portray Han Solo as a moron without consequences!" He stormed through the lobby, weaving through the crowd, hoping he'd be able to find his actor before intermission ended.

"Oh wow, you're THE REAL HAN SOLO! The REAL HAN SOLO came to the play, oh my goodness!"

"Wait, what?" Han exclaimed, turning in the direction of the voice, and there was the Han actor running up to him, grinning in a boyish manner.

"Wow," he repeated. "I mean, WOW. The real Han Solo came to the play, that's just . . . WOO, I can't believe it."

"Yeah," said Han. "About that . . ."

"I mean," the actor continued, "getting this part was such a dream come true. You're like my FAVORITE REBEL EVER."

"Uh, thanks . . ."

"Hey, can we get a holo together?" The actor talked so fast that his words ran together.

"I guess . . ."

Before Han knew what was happening, his actor stopped a passerby to take a holo of the two of them together. "Thanks so much, buddy!" the actor exclaimed after the holo was taken as he gave Han a friendly slap on the back. "Well, hope you enjoy the rest of the play!" With that, he vanished into the crowd, leaving Han staring after him.

"So," Leia said when her husband returned, "did you give the actor a piece of your mind?"

"No," Han mumbled.

. . .

The third act opened with the Vader actor striding across the stage in front of various Imperial and stormtrooper actors lined up. "All right, men," the Vader actor boomed, "I'm very disappointed in your lack of progress. The Emperor wanted this station operational several weeks ago, so what do you have to say for yourselves?"

An Imperial officer actor hesitantly stepped forward, his body shaking. "Uh . . . Lord Vader . . . may I ask a question?"

"That depends on whether or not it's a stupid question."

The Imperial actor gulped. "Well sir . . . just why did we build another Death Star, anyway? I mean, the Rebels blew up the first one – what makes you think they won't blow this one up too?"

The Vader actor shook his head in a mocking manner. "Well OBVIOUSLY we fixed that little flaw that let the Rebels blow up the last Death Star."

"Yes . . . of course," the Imperial actor stammered, "but what if they find ANOTHER flaw? Like, what if they find a passage big enough to fly whole ships into that happens to lead right to the main reactor?"

"Oh, what are the chances of that happening?" said the Vader actor. "Now, I expect you all to be in your best shape for when the Emperor arrives."

The Imperial and stormtrooper actors all shrieked. "WHAT?" the Imperial actor talking to Vader screamed. "The Emperor's coming HERE? As in HERE here?"

"Yes," said the Vader actor, pointing a finger at the Imperial actor, "and he is not pleased with your lack of progress, so I would suggest getting your butts in gear and getting this station operational."

The Imperial actor gulped again. "I think I just wet my pants."

"Then put on a diaper and get to work," said the Vader actor. "The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

"Diaper?" Luke muttered as the Vader and Imperial actors marched offstage and the scene changed.

The 3PO and R2 actors hobbled onstage, the 3PO actor already blabbering just like his real-life counterpart. "YES, I'm worried, R2. Why wouldn't I be when we're going to JABBA THE HUTT? Not to mention that poor Lando and Chewbacca never returned when they were sent out here."

"Beep! Beep!" said the R2 actor.

"Oh my goodness!" the real 3PO exclaimed. "R2 may be rude, but he is never THAT rude!"

The 3PO actor kept hobbling aimlessly around the stage. "I don't know WHY Mater Luke sent us here anyway. Can't we all just sneak into Jabba's palace, grab Captain Solo, and sneak out? Why does this plan have to be so convoluted? For that matter, why do I feel like there's something Master Luke didn't tell me? Oh R2, it's so frustrating when you don't know what's going on – though of course you're used to that, aren't you? You _never_ know what's going on, after all!"

Han ground his teeth. "That guy's almost as annoying as the real 3PO."

Finally the droid actors got to Jabba's palace, where many of the same humans in various costumes were reused from the Mos Eisley scene. Jabba, however, was a giant mechanical balloon whose mouth flopped up and down when he spoke in some more gibberish that obviously wasn't Huttesse.

"We bring a message from Master Luke," said the 3PO actor.

"Beep!" shouted the R2 actor, to which the real 3PO reacted, "Oh my!" yet again.

"Oh yes, and a gift," said the 3PO actor. "Wait, WHAT gift? R2, Master Luke never said anything about a gift! What kind of gift would you give that disgusting Hutt anyway? For that matter, who would WANT to give a gift to that disgusting Hutt? Especially when we're trying to rescue Captain Solo here!"

The R2 actor ignored him and projected the message. A hologram of the Luke actress appeared in the middle of the stage.

"R2?" the Luke actress asked. "Are you ready for me to record? Are you? Oh, okay!" She cleared her throat. "Greetings, most amazing, mighty, exalted Jabba. My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend of Captain Solo. I know you're really pissed off about the whole dumping-his-cargo incident, but can't that just stay in the past? I'd like to have a talk about bargaining for his life – I'm sure we could come up with an agreement, right?"

"My message wasn't like this!" the real Luke exclaimed.

"Well whaddaya expect by now, kid?" said Han.

Meanwhile, the Luke actress was giggling nervously. "Anyway, to further butter you up, I've decided to give you a gift: these two droids."

"WHAT?" the 3PO actor shouted.

"Yup," the Luke actress continued, "I'm giving you my own personal droids, and I haven't even told the protocol droid what I'm doing! Sorry 3PO, but you know how you blab everything and all. So Jabba, what do you say? Will you let Han go in exchange for the droids?"

The Jabba balloon shouted in the non-Huttese gibberish, his balloon-mouth flapping randomly and not at all in sync with his voice.

"What?" the 3PO actor exclaimed. "What do you mean 'favorite decoration'?"

With that, a stage light turned on, revealing the frozen Han prop hanging on the wall.

"Oh my!" shouted the 3PO actor. "Captain Solo's still frozen, and . . . a _decoration?_ Jabba, haven't you ever heard of proper interior décor? A frozen guy on your wall clashes with everything else in this room!"


	17. Chapter 17

AN: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Sorry it took so long to update – real life and other writing took priority for a while.

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 17

"Oh no, oh no, I'm so scared," the Leia actress was whimpering as she came onstage in the bounty hunter disguise, dragging the Chewie actor behind her. "What if they catch us? What if we never get to save Han? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOO?"

The real Leia buried her face in her hands. "Tell me when that idiot gets offstage."

"Okay, what was I supposed to say again?" the actress Leia was saying. "Oh right!" She cleared her throat. "Jabba, I seek the bounty on this Wookiee!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped completely out of sync with his recorded dialogue. "Oh!" said the 3PO actor. "The Mighty Jabba says that he is pleased to have Chewbacca at last. He wishes to hang Chewbacca on his wall next to Han Solo so he'll have a matching set, so he will gladly pay you the sum of twenty-five thousand credits."

"Wow!" exclaimed the Leia actress. "That's a lot of money . . . uh, I mean, I want FIFTY thousand credits, no less."

The Jabba balloon screamed as its mouth flapped up and down.

"The Mighty Incredible Wonderful Amazing Jabba demands to know why," said the 3PO actor.

"Because I have a THERMAL DETONATOR, that's why!" shouted the Leia actress. "If you don't give me fifty thousand, I'm gonna BLOW YOU ALL UP!"

"Oh no!" wailed the 3PO actor. "Amazing Wonderful Superior Jabba, please save us!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped so hard that it looked in danger of falling off.

"He offers thirty-five," said the 3PO actor, "and I do hope you will take it without blowing us all up."

"Thirty-five thousand credits?" asked the Leia actress.

"No, _thirty-five_ credits, since you are an idiot and . . . oh, I don't think I was supposed to tell you that."

The Jabba balloon's mouth kept flapping as it laughed.

"So, will you PLEASE not blow us all up?" pleaded the 3PO actor.

The Leia actor instantly turned off the thermal detonator prop. "Fine. I don't want to blow up anyway."

In the audience, the real Leia groaned. "Even when my double is _pretending_ to have a spine, she doesn't have a spine."

Meanwhile, the guard actors were poking away the Chewie actor while he roared that he needed to do laundry. One of the guards, however, strode up to the front of the stage and took off his helmet.

"Hey! It's me, Lando! I know I really shouldn't be taking my helmet off since I'm supposed to be incognito and all, but I wanted to let you all know I was here! Since I'm disguised as a guard, that probably means I've been here for a little while, but I haven't set Han free because . . . well, I guess I want to see how things play out!"

"Wait," exclaimed the real Han as the lights dimmed. "You were THERE before Leia but you didn't let me outta the carbonite?"

The stage lights came back on before Lando could answer (or maybe Lando wasn't going to answer anyway). Now the Leia actress was creeping onto the stage, where the frozen Han prop was glimmering in the spotlight. The real Han wondered if it was made out of foil.

"Oh, poor Han!" the Leia actress wailed. "My poor, poor Han! WHY did this happen to you? WHHHHYYYYYY!" Of course, she proceeded to burst into tears, causing the real Leia to loudly grind her teeth.

"Just FREE HIM ALREADY, will you?" the real Leia snarled.

Finally, after crying for what felt like several minutes, the Leia actress worked the controls on the frozen Han prop, which resulted in the spotlight on the prop turning off for a few seconds, then when the lights went on, the prop was gone and the Han actor was crumpled up on the floor.

"Huh," said the Leia actress. "In hindsight, maybe I should have caught him when he fell out of the carbonite. Oh well." She kneeled down by the Han actor's side. "Hey Han, wake uuuuuuuuppppp! You're out of the carbonite!"

"Uuuuuugggggghhhhh," the Han actor moaned. "I've got the worst hangover of my life."

"Yeah, being frozen tends to do that to you," said the Leia actor.

The Han actor moaned again. "What's goin' on? I can't see!"

"Don't worry, your sight will return. I know that because . . . well, because I know that!"

The Han actor's head was darting around, as if he were looking for something. "Where's my booze? I need my booze! I feel like I haven't had a drink in months – dammit, I feel _sober!_ "

The real Han buried his face in his hand.

"Oh, and by the way," the Han actor continued, "who the hell are _you_ , anyway?"

The Leia actress removed her helmet. "Ta-da! It's someone who loves you!"

The Han actor cocked his head in a confused manner. "So . . . it's Chewie? When did you learn to speak Basic?"

"What? No, it's not Chewie!"

"Oh . . . so it's Qi'ra? I thought we broke up like thirteen years ago."

"NO, you idiot, it's LEIA! Now kiss me before I put you back in the carbonite! I know we should probably get out of here ASAP, but surely we've got time for a make-out session!"

The two actors sucked on each other's lips for what seemed like several minutes, long enough for Luke to ask the real Leia and Han if they really made out for that long when they needed to escape. Surprisingly, neither the real Leia nor the real Han answered.

Soon Luke was getting uncomfortable with all the slurping kissing sounds, but fortunately the curtain opened, revealing the Jabba balloon with its mouth flapping around as usual.

"The Incredible Wonderful Superior Jabba says, 'Surprise!'" said the 3PO actor. "He also says that he does not appreciate ruining his favorite decoration and wants Captain Solo taken to the dungeon immediately."

"What?" the Han actor exclaimed, looking to the side before the Leia actress turned him in the right direction to face Jabba. "Look Jabba, okay, I may have spent money on alcohol when I should've been paying you back, but trust me this time – I'm gonna pay you double, no triple! Hey, how about quadruple! I'll totally get the money this time, trust me! I'll pinky swear it!"

The Jabba's balloon flapped around again, still nowhere close to being in sync with the recorded gibberish.

"The Wonderful Amazing Magnificent Jabba says that you are bantha poodoo," said the 3PO actor. "Or maybe it was 'bantha fodder,' I'm not quite sure. In any case, you are bantha food, either going into the bantha or coming out of it. The Perfect Exquisite Jabba orders for you to be taken to the dungeon and for the princess to be brought to him."

"Wait, ME?" shouted the Leia actress. "What does he want ME for? Surely he doesn't want to make me wear a slave bikini and chain me to his disgusting body!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped again.

"Why, the Incredible Invincible Excellent Jabba says that you just gave him a wonderful idea, Your Highness!" said the 3PO actor.

The real Leia slapped herself yet again.


	18. Chapter 18

AN: Thanks again for reviewing!

"The Play's The Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 18

The Luke actress crept onto the stage, grinning at the audience. "Sneak, sneak, sneak," she whispered as she tiptoed around the sleeping creature actors sprawled out all over the stage floor. "Whew, better be careful! Don't wanna wake anyone up!"

The real Luke was already burying his face in his hand.

"Oh no!" the actress Luke cried. "Bib Fortuna! Whatever will I do?"

The Bib Fortuna actor (who had obviously-rubber lekku glued to his head) talked to the Luke actress in that gibberish that still sounded nothing like Huttese.

"Uh . . ." The Luke actress waved her hand in an exaggerated manner that looked less like a Jedi mind trick and more like she was desperately trying to get someone's attention. "You will take me to Jabba NOW!"

"I will take you to Jabba NOW!" the Bib Fortuna actor repeated, suddenly speaking Basic.

The Luke actress giggled, waving her hand again. "And you will hop on one foot while making taun-taun noises!"

"I will hop on one foot while making taun-taun noises," the Bib actor repeated – and then proceeded to do just that, causing the audience to burst out laughing.

"Ooh, this is fun!" the Luke actress said before waving her hand again. "You will flap your arms and recite the Jedi code in a Jawa voice!"

"I will flap my arms and recite the Jedi code in a Jawa voice." Once again he started doing so, his voice squealing as he recited the Jedi code, his words barely-distinguishable.

The Luke actress giggled as she waved her hand yet again. "When we get to Jabba, you will tell him that you are an idiot and you want to kiss him."

"When we get to Jabba, I will tell him that I am an idiot and I want to kiss him."

Sure enough, just then the stagehands pulled the Jabba balloon onstage and the Bib Fortuna actor shouted, "Jabba! I am an idiot and I want to kiss you!" He dove onto the balloon and gave it a big, noisy kiss.

The real Luke groaned. "I guess people think mind tricks are meant for playing _pranks."_

Han had to struggle to hold back a snicker. "Well kid, this _is_ kinda funny, you gotta admit."

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped completely out of sync with more recorded non-Huttese gibberish.

"The Mighty Amazing Wonderful Jabba says that he does not wish to kiss Bib Fortuna," said the 3PO actor, "especially since he has a new sex slave."

In the audience, Leia started loudly grinding her teeth.

"Sex slave?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "Who could this be?"

A drumroll sounded as the stage went dark except for a single spotlight. "PRESENTING," the 3PO actor yelled, "JABBA THE HUTT'S NEW SEX SLAVE!"

With that, in danced the Leia actress, wearing the slave bikini – except it looked in danger of slipping off her breasts.

"What the HELL?" the real Leia shouted.

It got even worse before anyone could respond. Loud, seductive music started playing as the Leia actress started dancing, jiggling her hips in tune to the music.

Several men in the audience (and possibly some women) were cheering, but that wasn't half as exasperating as the Luke actress whistling. "WOOHOO!" she yelled. "SHAKE THAT BUTT, HOTTIE!"

The real Leia's face reddened so hard that she looked sunburned. So did Luke's.

Even though the dance only lasted a few minutes, it felt like ages before the Jabba balloon puppet finally called it off.

"Oh wow, I think I've got a boner," the Luke actress said before clearing he throat. "Anyway, Jabba, I see that you've made good use of the droid I gave you, but now you have to uphold your end of the deal. Bring me Han Solo, please!"

The Jabba balloon just screamed.

"Wonderful Incredible Amazing Jabba says that there is no deal," said the 3PO actor.

The Luke actress folded her arms. "Well then you have to give back my droids! No Han, no droids."

The Jabba balloon started laughing and babbling the non-Huttese gibberish yet again.

"The Incredible Superior Mighty Jabba says you will not need your droids back because you will be _dead_ soon," said the 3PO actor.

With that, the trap door opened under the Luke actress and she fell under the stage.

"Well," the real Luke said gloomily, "maybe my battle with the Rancor will at least be interesting."

"Don't bet on it," said Han.

"Oh NOOOO!" the Luke actress yelled from under the stage. "A RANCOR!" A roaring sound came over the speakers, but the Luke actress didn't come out of the trap door. "AAAHHH! HE'S ALL BIG AND SCARY AND HE WANTS TO EAT ME!"

"Okay," said the real Luke, "so when can we see the Rancor?"

Fighting noises and Rancor sounds could be heard from under the trap door, which still wasn't opening. "Take THAT, Rancor!" the Luke actress shouted from under the stage. "And THAT! And THAT and THAT and THAT and THAT!"

"You've gotta be kidding me," the real Luke groaned.

"You're no match for me, Rancor!" the Luke actress was shouting. "I'm a BADASS JEDI! I can defeat you with just a BONE and a ROCK!" More fighting noises. "All right, here comes the BONE!" There was the _sound_ of a Rancor crying out in pain, but the audience still saw nothing. "And now, here comes the ROCK!" There came the sound of a cell door crashing down. "WOOHOO! I DID IT! I KILLED THE RANCOR!"

The real Luke stared in an exasperated manner. "We got to see those incredibly lame portrayals of the space battles . . . but WE CAN'T SEE ME KILL THE RANCOR?"

"Master Luke," said 3PO, "we musn't shout or we could be asked to leave."

"Fine with me," said Han.

"Hey, hey, guys," said Lando. "You've made it this far – you don't wanna be quitters in the third act, do ya?"

Finally the Luke actress climbed out of the trap door. "Wow, that was one AWESOME battle! I feel sorry for anyone who missed it!"

The Jabba balloon screamed in frustration, his mouth flapping so fast that his jaw looked in danger of falling off. In fact, it looked like it actually _was_ starting to fall off at one end.

"Mighty Wonderful Incredible Jabba demands Solo and the Wookiee," said the 3PO actor, after which the guard actors grabbed the Luke actress and other guard actors dragged the Han and Chewie actors onstage.

"Hey Han," said the Luke actress. "Nice to see you again after all these months. So, how are you doing?"

The Han actor groaned. "Well, I'm blind, I feel like I'm gonna puke any minute, and I really, REALLY need a drink, but other than that I'm fine . . . wait, did you say MONTHS? I've been frozen for MONTHS?"

"Yup!" said Luke.

The Han actor groaned again. "Well where's Leia? I sure hope she ain't wearin' a bikini or something – it'd suck if she were lookin' super-hot and I couldn't see her!"

The Jabba balloon yelled again, after which the 3PO actor said. "Wonderful Superior Amazing Jabba says that you three are to be executed immediately. You are being fed to the Sarlacc beast, where you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years."

"Wait," said the Han actor, "we ain't gonna LIVE a thousand years! Does this Sarlacc magically extend our lifespan while it digests us or something?"

The Luke actress, however, was just grinning at the Jabba balloon. "Just you wait, Jabba! You're gonna regret this! Like I said, I'm a BADASS JEDI!"

"And yet we can't even see her fight a Rancor," grumbled the real Luke.


End file.
